8 Months Post op

Ok i'm late.... very late, since next week will be 9 months out... my 8 month weight was 215.8, for a loss of 15.8 pounds for the month, my inches were low for the month thoguh, only 2.25 for the month, a total of 148.75 inches, and 139.2 pounds. Not a bad number at all for this far post op.

Weekly weigh in

Hey guys.

Today is weigh in day. I have finally gotten to a place where I'm doing ok with the food issues, for the most part. I have managed to get my fat intake to the point it is supposed to be. I guess its not impossible after all. Exercise has actually become a much bigger issue though. I'm pretty much unable to do anything that requires me to use my leg. My knee is shot completely. I had my MRI this week, but my doctor is out of town for the next week, so I can't see him until August 12. At that point I will find out exactly what I'm facing as far as surgery and recovery. I am starting to look at the possibility of maybe having to go with a different surgeon if it gets much worse, and I can't wait another week to get this taken care of. However that is an absolute last resort. I really like this doctor and trust him. My family has known him forever. I don't want anyone else doing surgery if I can avoid it at all.

I found out this week that my insurance won't pay for my gym anymore either. So, for now, I'm on my own completely. They told me at the gym that once I find out what is going on with my knee, I will probably be able to get insurance to start paying again. They said that if I do have to have surgery, that I can get back in for rehab and knee pain. But for now, I don't have my gym or my trainer anymore. So I'm going to have to get in any exercise I do, at home. Jerod told me the last time I saw him to do core exercises at home, and that will keep my upper body in shape, as well as substitute for cardio workout that I really can't do now. So far I've not done anything at home since I found out I lost the gym. I just can't seem to get into it, or motivated to do it, or whatever, I don't know. So my exercise went from 3 days of killer workouts at the gym with a trainer, plus lots of other exercises on my own, to nothing at all.

So now that I've got you up to date on whats going on, here are the results of my weigh in this week. I lost 1.25 inches this week, which isn't real good. But, since all my exercise has stopped, I can't complain. However, .75 inches I lost was in my right calf. That means it has to be muscle I'm losing. I'm not using that leg at all, so to lose that, would mean I lost quite a bit of muscle. Which brings me to my weight this week. I lost 9.2 pounds this week. Now, initially that number absolutely thrills me to death. That is an AWESOME number. The other side of that though, is a lot of that number is probably from loss of muscle as well. Since muscle weighs more then fat, losing muscle would make for a big weight loss number, which is not a good thing at all. I'd rather have no loss, then lose muscle. I worked too hard to get the muscle I have, and can't do anything right now to keep that muscle. So I'm going to lose it. Which completely sucks. So while I love the number, and the fact that I'm now 61 pounds from my goal weight, and only 21 pounds from my last big mark before my goal weight, I'm actually not real happy with it. But there is nothing I can do about it right now. I just hope when I get where I can work lower body again, I am able to pull some big fat loss, because I should gain that muscle back, and I don't know how I'll handle a weight gain, even if I do know its muscle.

Just another step in the journey. It certainly doesn't get boring. It certainly isn't easy either. However, the final goal is almost in sight. I'll get there, and then looking back at all the trials and detours will look much smaller. And the fact that I got to the goal, despite everything I have had to go through, will make it that much more meaningful. Until then, I just need to try to remember that and stay focused on that goal.

Lost

That's exactly how I feel. Lost. I'm so completely overwhelmed and confused and frustrated by everything right now. I am in pain constantly. It never goes away. It never even really gets any less painful. And everyday the minimum pain increases. I'm having trouble eating. I am staying hungry. But when I go to eat, I can't. I'm only eating 3 ounces a meal again, and I can't eat the whole three ounces now. I eat about half of it, and I'm full and feeling sick. My body can't possibly be getting enough nutrition. I'm sure part of that is due to the pain as well, when you hurt that bad, you just have no desire to eat. However I have to. I don't want to, but I'm forcing myself to eat something, for 3 meals a day. I am not sure what is going to happen with school. Where I had my complications after surgery and had to drop that quarter, it messed my schedule up. I now only have 2 classes I can possibly take, and I have to have BOTH of them before I can go any further. If I don't get both of this quarter, and one of them isn't due to be offered again yet, I'm going to have to take the quarter off, which will put me even further behind. And it will also cut into my payback time for my student loans. I am just very lost. I find myself sitting here wishing I could have my knee surgery tomorrow and get this over with, but then at the same time I'm scared. What if its not something the surgery can fix? What if it doesn't heal right? What if I can never fully use my knee again? I have so many things I want to do, and plan on doing, but I can barely even walk right now. I fully intended to do a marathon in April. I still do intend to. But I can't help but wonder and question if that is physically possible within a 7 months from knee surgery. Or for that matter, if it will ever be possible. I'm absolutely dying to go for a walk. To get out and do something. And I just can't. I physically can't. I am honestly getting to the point where I can barely walk up and down the stairs to my room. I don't know how I'm going to manage another month until we can get the surgery done, if its even something surgery can fix. I just can't explain the emotions I'm having. I have way too many to be able to even list. If you can name an emotion, I'm probably experiencing it right now. If I'm not, I will be in about 5 minutes. I'm just an emotional wreck. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't walk. I can't stop hurting. I can't concentrate. I can't focus. I can't... I just can't. I'm lost. Lost in pain.

7 Months

Today is 7 months since I had my gastric bypass surgery. It has been a crazy ride. From days where I'm on the top of the world and can do anything, to days where I am struggling so hard I can't see any way to possibly continue with the journey, and everywhere in between. Yesterday was by far the worst day I've had since surgery. I was completely unable to see any way positive to continue this path. I had decided I was going to stop eating. I am having serious problems with my knee, which is making it extremely difficult for me to do a good workout. Which means I am not burning as many calories as I would like. And in my mind, I had to stop eating because I couldn't take in calories that I couldn't burn off. Because I was convinced if I ate calories I couldn't burn off, I would gain weight. And gaining weight is not an option. I can not and will not gain this weight back and go back to where I was. So I did my monthly anniversary weigh in today. I was very hesitant, even scared. I didn't want to see the number on the scale. I have to say I was shocked. Very shocked. I started at 355 pounds before surgery. 7 months later, I weigh 231.6 pounds. I have lost 123.4 pounds, and 146.5 inches.

My monthly losses to date are as follows:
Starting weight: 355
1 Month: 43 pounds, 13 inches
2 Months: 20 pounds, 38.25 inches
3 Months: 10 pounds, 8 inches
4 Months: 9.2 pounds, 32.5 inches
5 Months: 18.4 pounds, 21.5 inches
6 Months: 12.2 pounds, 13.5 inches
This Month: 10.6 pounds, 19.75 inches

Impossible

Ok, so I tried to eat the way i'm supposed to according to the dietitian today. I failed miserably. My fat is over, my calories is wayyy under. My cholesterol is too high, and my protein is too low right now. Oh and carbs is low too. I just don't know how its possible to do what she said. And i tried to eat that much at supper, and i couldn't come close. I am beyond stressed and confused with this. I broke down crying at supper because i have tried so hard to eat more today and eat like she said i'm supposed to be, and i'm still not eating anything. plus i'm in major major pain. my knee is getting much worse everyday. if it continues to get worse at this rate, i won't be able to do anything at all by two weeks from now, if i make it that far i'll be very surprised. i went to school with mom today and started painting. will have to go one more time and that should get it finished. now, having said that. i did get a new pair skort today. a skirt with shorts under it. It was in the regular size womens clothes, which i can't remember the last time i could wear regular size clothes. this was a size 18 in regular sizes. which means i can now buy shirts and pants in the regular sizes. pretty amazing. however i can't help but feel that if i eat as much as they say i'm supposed to, i'm not going to be able to wear those sizes long, i'll gain weight back. plus with my knee and not being able to work out or exercise or really do anything. i basically get to sit here and eat and eat and eat and eat some more. hmmmm sounds an awful lot like what i was doing before surgery. and we all know where that got me. so i guess thats where i'm supposed to end up at again. *sighs* i fought like hell for 7 months to be forced to go back where i started. *cries* i am so damn confused and frustrated. i just wanna scream and cry.... and knock myself out so i can not hurt and maybe even sleep tonight. i haven't slept more then 3 hours the past 4 days. i can't keep going like this, i just can't. and i can't do a damn thing about it.

Overwhelmed

Hey guys. Today was a crazy day for me. I went to the orthopedic surgeon this morning to see what was going on with my knee. He thinks I've torn my meniscus in my right knee. The only way to fix that is with surgery, and there is nothing you can do to help it in the mean time. I'm scheduled for an MRI on August 5th. That was the soonest they could get me in. I see the doctor again on August 12, and more then likely I'll be scheduling surgery that day. Surgery will probably be the end of August when this quarter is over at school. Now, there are lots of problems with this. One, I'm not supposed to do anything that hurts my knee, no bending, no pressure, nothing, and stay off it as much as possible. Well EVERYTHING hurts my knee. It hurts sitting down, it hurts standing up, it hurts laying down, it hurts elevated, it hurts bent, it hurts straight. Putting pressure on it to drive (not a lot of pressure needed for that) was unbearable pain. Then you also have to remember that I have gotten used to going constantly and doing major lower body and cardio workouts. That's not even an option anymore. I did 26 minutes on the bike today at level one, only going 3.5 MPH. I was trying for 30 minutes but I was hurting so bad I simply couldn't go any longer. We did upper body strength training today. And I still left the gym crying because my knee was hurting so bad. I had to stop in the room with machines twice and take pressure off of it. The second time I leaned against the ab machine and just cried. It hurt so bad. I tried to go to school tonight, and I was in so much pain that I couldn't have possibly paid attention to class and actually gotten anything out of it, and I couldn't drive. I called mom and she met me and was going to drive me, and the pain was just to much. It is still throbbing. And shooting pain all the way from my foot to my hip. I don't know what I'm going to do. Apparently there is nothing I can do, but pray this next month passes fast and that surgery will take care of it. I don't want to have surgery at all, but I can't live in pain like this forever.

Now having said that. I am extremely stressed and overwhelmed with food issues right now too. I asked Jerod (pt) a few weeks ago how much I should be eating, as far as calories go. I started tracking them on www.livestrong.com and was noticing that I had a negative net calorie total just about everyday. So he told me I needed to eat more. I had a realllly hard time dealing with that, and decided to email the dietitian that we work with before surgery and find out how much of everything we are supposed to be getting in. She emailed me back today. The numbers she gave me are.... I can't explain it. She said I should be getting i 1200-1300 calories a day. Since I have increased amount I eat since talking to Jerod about it, I am having to work very hard to get 900 calories, most days I don't get close to that. She also said I'm only supposed to have 20g of fat a day. Now, I eat low fat everything, have been ever since surgery. I was at 36g today. I'm not sure if its even possible to get 1200 calories in and only 20g of fat. Any food that will give me any amount of calories, is going to have fat, even if it is reduced fat. And I'm supposed to have 100 grams of carbs a day. Again, carbs are going to have fat, and I swear they told us we were supposed to go very low carbs?? And then of course protein, I'm supposed to get between 60 and 70 grams of it a day. I just simply do not see how its possible to get all that in. She said the "quick and easy" way of figuring it out, is to use a 6 inch plate, divide it in thirds, and fill it with 2-3 ounces of protein, 1/4-1/2 cup of vegetables, and 2 tablespoons of starch/carbs, and eat that three times a day. Now... please keep in mind that my surgery gave me an approximately 3 ounce pouch for a stomach. If I eat by that guide, that's 3 ounces of protein, 4 ounces of vegetables, and at least an ounce of starch or carbs. That is 8 ounces. How am I supposed to eat 8 ounces at once, when my stomach only holds 3 ounces? I am so confused and stressed and overwhelmed by it all. I just don't see how it is even physically possible.

So, needless to say I'm struggling right now. ALOT. I'm on a major emotional rollercoaster. Thankfully my attitude is staying in a good place right now. I'd be a disaster waiting to happen if my attitude falls apart on me. Please feel free to post comments with encouragement and support. It is very much needed and appreciated all the time, but even more so right now.

Nervous

Hey guys. Had a pretty good day today. Had some absolutely wonderful BBQ from Sonny's today. I still like it!! Never know any more, so much doesn't taste good. But it was really good, plus it was a nice change. Been very tired today. Knee is bothering me alot. Which is why I'm nervous. I'm going to the orthopedic tomorrow to get this knee looked at and find out whats going on. I don't have any idea what he'll say or find. Whatever he says will determine how my gym is going to play out for a while. I'm praying its not something really serious. I'm ready to get back on track and doing what I need to be doing. I got a marathon to train for. I can't do that very well when I can't even walk. Pretty good day today though. Went to Knoxville with mom and dad and worked on homework. Nothing too exciting, but that's OK. I think I'm heading to bed. I'm just exhausted.

A new experience

Well guys, I'm now almost 7 months out of surgery (Thursday will be 7 months). i have lost something every week since i had my surgery. Until this week. I have been having trouble with my right knee and have basically unable to do anything. Tuesday i went to the gym and i was only able to do 12 minutes on the treadmill before my knee gave out completely, and that was going at a much lower speed and incline then i normally do. i stopped it and tried to do the bike and was hurting so bad that in less then a minute on the bike i was physically sick from pain. we didn't do anything else that day but put heat on my knee. Wednesday i didn't go to the gym due to my knee. so i went yesterday and didn't even try the treadmill, i just did bike. i did manage to get my whole half hour in, but i was hurting very bad, and my heart rate got very high due to the pain. i only had it on a level 1 and averaged about 11 mph and my heart rate was 199. so it was a very tough week. plus I'm trying to eat more because I've not been getting in enough calories with the amount of activity I've been doing. so today was my weekly weigh in, and my weight was the same as it was last week. now, i honestly was expecting to gain this week. i was prepared for a gain, or as prepared as i could be. but i managed to maintain. it was actually a very proud moment when i realized i didn't lose, but i didn't gain either. maintaining a weight is hard to do when you're increasing food intake and unable to get in any activity. my inches suffered this week too, i gained 1.5 inches total this week. again, all things considered not too bad. not what i would have liked, of course, but still much better then it could have been and then i expected it to be. it was also an eye opener. i wasn't giving myself credit for losing the weight i have, crediting it to the surgery. and that i just lost because of it. that's obviously not true though. because i didn't lose this week. now I'm sure the surgery had a part in the loss. but i would not, and could not have gotten where i am now, without the hard work and dedication i have put into this new life. i have lost 120 pounds and i can be very proud of that. because i have worked for it, fought for it, and earned it.

i went to a move today for the first time since before surgery too. the last time i went, i couldn't fit in the seats. i was too big. today, i not only fit in the chairs, but i could put my hands down beside me, and still have room left in the seat. it was absolutely awesome. you don't think about the small things like that when you start on a life changing journey like this. but i can't begin to explain the feeling, the pride, the moment when you realize you can do something you couldn't before. those moments are truly priceless.

until next time,
steph

Food for today

Here is my food for today. Not too bad I don't think.

Breakfast

Toast 1oz
Blackberry SF Jelly 0.5oz
Scrambled Egg 1oz
Low fat shreaded cheese 0.5oz
Total 3 oz

Lunch

Half hamburger 1.5oz
Slice fat free cheese 0.25oz
Potato Salad 1oz
Total 2.75 oz

Supper

Chinease Pepper Chicken 3oz
Total 3oz

Snacks

Protein Brownie 0.5oz
Total 0.5oz


Total for day 8.75 ounces at meals
9.25 ounces including snack
72 ounces of water or SF drinks

Weekly Weigh In and Thoughts

Hey guys. Once again I was sick this week. Maybe I'm really over it this time. I'm SOOO ready to get back into the routine I'm used to and really get some work done at the gym. However I think I finally have accepted that I'm going to have to slow down every now and then and take care of myself completely instead of just working my butt off at the gym. I need to put that much work into the whole journey. It has been a very rough two weeks for me. I'm have a terrible time trying to deal with food issues. I actually found myself wishing yesterday that I hadn't had the surgery. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm very glad I did. I feel wonderful physically. I have more energy then I know what to do with, most of the time. I am starting to look absolutely wonderful. LOL ok maybe that sounds a little too conceited, but.... that's ok. I don't say it often. This journey is just sooo emotionally and mentally challenging. I can't even begin to explain it. I heard before I had it that it was all mental. I didn't believe it. But it is SOOOO true. It is just all very overwhelming at times. Everything I knew before surgery about food and exercise (which was basically I hate it and I'm not doing it) doesn't apply anymore. But it goes so much further then just the food and exercise. My emotions are different and much stronger. My attitude is... I don't even know where to begin on that one. I honestly never realized JUST how important attitude was to everything in life. And I am having the hardest time in the world trying to keep my attitude where it needs to be. My outlook on everything has changed. My hopes and dreams and wishes for my life have changed. I have found happiness, which anyone who has known me for any period of time knows that is a HUGE accomplishment for me. Everything I ever knew, has changed. And I have to admit, I thought it would get easier the further out I go, and it probably will. However right now its probably the hardest its ever been. That I'm sure is because I've hit that critical 6 month mark. The point where so many people who go through this surgery make it to, and then go back to the way they always did things. The point where you have to make even more effort to stay focused and stay on track. The point where you decide I want this to work, and I want it to work forever, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to see that it does. Or the point where you decide that you miss the old ways of life, the old ways of eating, the old ways of doing things and go back to what you used to do. The holidays are a very hard time for me, at least this first year. Again I'm sure it will get easier as I get further out. I never realized just how much all the holidays focus on food. Even the ones that don't seem like they do, have food stuff that you just associate with them all the time. Having said that, I have been thinking alot the last couple days. I have come too far, I've worked to hard. I don't and won't go back. Yes it is hard. But I knew it would be, maybe not how hard, but I knew it would be. I have made the decision to do this and make it my way of life. That means I have to be able to accept the decisions and choices I need to make to do this and do it correctly and successfully. Its a challenge everyday, but it really is worth it.

Now, for this weeks weight in. I lost 3.8 pounds this week, and I lost 2 inches. I am down to 239 lbs. I started at 355 lbs. So I have lost 116 pound total. I have lost a total of 132.75 inches. The most amazing part about the inches is, I have lost almost 2 FEET around my waist, and am very close to having lost that much in my hips too.

I went to my surgeon for my 6 month follow up Monday of this week. I saw the nurse practitioner. She told me I am doing perfect and that I should be very proud of myself. She said she looks at my chart, and my weight loss, and then looks at me, and can only think I've lost a whole person. She has a son who weighs 110 pounds. She said I look at you and can only think you used to carry him on your back at all times, every time you did anything and never put him down. That was a pretty powerful image. Really made me realize just exactly how much I've accomplished and how far I've really come.

I have joined a weight loss site online, that specializes for people who have had the surgery. It gives me the ability to create a "ticker" showing my weight loss. It has my starting weight and a goal weight and shows how much I have to go to get to goal. I will update it every week at weigh ins. I have put the ticker on the bottom of my blog. So be sure to check that out. I set my goal weight at 160, which may change, but I thought it would be a good place to shoot for. I may decide when I get closer to that point, that I may want to adjust that number for my goal.

I hope everyone has a great 4th of July. Thanks for the support you all give me. It means more then you can ever know. Love you all.
Steph

Food and Update

Hey guys. Sorry I stopped posting again for a few days there. I was sick. Ran a fever of over 100 for 5 days, and couldn't get it to break. I was NOT a happy person, or very much fun to be around. I didn't get to the gym at all this week because of it. My eating wasn't like it normally is either, because I just felt so bad.

Now, having said that. I hit my 6 month surgery anniversary this week. As of 6 months out, I had lost 112.8 pounds, and 126.75 inches. Not to bad at all. I will also be posting my 6 month picture soon too.

My weight loss and inches for this week were 2.4 pounds and 4 inches lost. Which considering that I did nothing but lay in bed this week, is pretty good. It was a very VERY hard week for me though. I'm really struggling with some food issues lately. Feeling very frustrated and wanting things that I know I can't have if I want to continue on the path I'm on. I can have them, but if I choose to, I will start to undo everything I've fought for these past 6 months. I do not want that to happen. I've come too far to throw it all away now. Its just really hard, and its effecting my attitude towards everything else. I've got to figure out some way to work through this. I also had never really gotten in the habit of measuring my food. Which is very dangerous. So I have started measuring everything now. Here is my food and water for today.

Food

Well... today went pretty well. I didn't get in any exercise really, but I did pretty good with my food.

Breakfast - one slice double fiber bread, low fat peanut butter, one ounce kashi

Bottle of water
peppermint lifesaver (not sugar free)

Lunch - a third of a pecan crusted chicken breast, a couple forks of corn (my size forks, 4 or 5 kernels), a few SMALL bites of potato, and a small piece of cantaloupe

2 cups of water

Supper - one fourth of the quesadilla burger

have water now, will drink several cups before bed.

Food journal

Hey guys. I know I haven't been doing very good on keeping you all up to date with how things are going. I'm sorry about that. I am going to try very hard to stay on top of this. I am almost 6 months out now. Tuesday will be 6 months. I am starting to struggle a little with the food stuff. I am starting to crave my "old" style of food, the stuff with a lot of really strong flavors. It is critical that I don't get into a place where I allow myself to start eating that way again. So, I'm going to try to post my food daily on here, as a way to kind of keep myself honest and on track with it all. I would greatly appreciate your support and encouragement while I continue my journey. I have lost 110 pounds so far. I still have a long way to go, but I am more then half way to my ideal weight. I'm not sure what my "goal" weight is right now, but I'm more then half way there. I have dropped under 250, and I refuse to let myself ever go back above it. That said... here is what i ate today.

Breakfast: One piece of bread with lowfat peanut butter and kashi

2 bottles of water

Lunch: 1/4 of quesadilla burger from Applebee's

1 bottle of water
1 cup of water

Supper: Steak (cut in strips cooked with onions, served in gravy.... i didn't eat onions and very little of the gravy), a tiny bit of rice, and squash cooked in lowfat butter made with olive oil, and onions

2 cups of water

one piece of sugar free gum

I also walked a little over 3 miles this morning at the park

Today is my weekly weigh in and measurements. my new weight is 245.2, which is actually up from last week, but I'm sure its muscle. Jerod is working me out really good lately. I lost 2.5 total inches this week, again not as good as i have been doing, but that is partially due to muscle too. I'm not too upset with it. Another week next week, I just need to step it up a little and be more careful with food.

See you all tomorrow!
Love, Steph

5 month post op stats

Ok, so I'm about a month late getting them on here. Sorry about that. Better late then never though, right?? I had made a goal a while back that I wanted to hit 100 lbs lost by my 5 month anniversary. That meant I needed to lose 20 lbs that month. Now, I had seriously slowed down in my weight loss the 2 months before that, so I had pretty much given up on it happening. Well, a week before my 5 month mark, i realized i was 10 pounds away from my goal. Keep in mind this means I'd lost 10 lbs in three weeks. Well, I decided I was going to try to reach my goal still. So I would need to do in ONE week, what I'd done in THREE weeks. I talked to my trainer and told him about my goal and that I really wanted to try to hit it. I worked my self to death that day, and then went in on my own the next day and did all cardio. Well in my quest to get 10 lbs in a week, I decided I was going to try the elliptical. I have never had any success on the thing, for some reason I just can't do it. I usually only did one cardio machine, for a half hour. That day I did the tread climber, the bike, the treadmill.... and the elliptical.... for 20 minutes each. It was awesome! Until the next day... I couldn't do anything with my right leg. Turns out I'd pulled a muscle doing the elliptical. I ended up not getting to have a real work out the rest of that week, because I was hurt. They wouldn't even let me go to the gym on Saturday. Well, Friday I weighed... and I was at 98 pounds lost. And Saturday was 5 months out, I just knew I could get it then. So I weighed Saturday morning, because I always weigh in the morning. I had GAINED two pounds. I was devastated. I was in a bad place all day. Very upset and frustrated. So I decided that I would give myself Saturday, since it would still technically be a part of that month, and weigh on Sunday morning to get my official 5 month weigh in. The results were.... well.... priceless... I started my journey weighing 355 at the surgeons office. On Sunday, I weighed 254.4. I had done it. I lost not only 20 lbs in a month, which is amazing that far post op, but I had lost 100 lbs total!!! So if that wasn't enough.... I did my measurements for the anniversary too, and I had lost a total of 113.25 inches. I hit the 100 pounds, and the 100 inches mark on the same day!! It was an absolutely amazing day. Completely made up for Saturday. Gotta try to keep that attitude positive, it always works out in the end!!

4 Month Post Op totals and Gym Today

Hey guys. I just got home from the gym, and want to get this posted while hopefully I can still remember what all I did. Today was a day with the trainer, although Holly was sick, so I actually worked with 3 different people today. Below is my workout for today:



Today is also 4 months since I had my surgey. I weighed and did measurements this morning, even though its not time for my weekly ones, because it was my 4 months. So far I have lost 79.2 pounds, and a total of 91.75 inches! I am sooo excited. I will post a new picture as soon as I get one taken.

Awesome... completely awesome

Hey guys... I just got home from the gym. I wasn't working with Holly today, so it was just me. I had the most amazing work out ever. I can not believe how incredible it was. I got to the gym as 12:00... I left the gym as 2:45 and I was going hard the whole time I was there. I got to the gym and started on the bike. I did 10 miles, it took me 43.4 minutes to do it. I averaged a level 5.7, but I went anywhere from 4 to 9. My heart rate was 123. After that I went down the the machine area. I stretched out real good and then got started. I did the ab machine first.... and I did... TEN sets of FIFTY reps... uh huh... 500 reps on the thing, at 55 lbs. When I started working out, 2 months ago, I could barely do 3 sets of 25. A month ago Holly increased my reps to 4 sets of 25 and I jokingly said if i keep up this pace in a month, I'll be doing 500 reps. Little did I know... I really would. It was amazing. My abs are burning good, but it feels great. So then I did steps. I did 4 sets of 25 on them. That was the least I did of anything, but they are very challenging for me. After those I went to the bicep curl machine, I did 4 sets of 50 at 20 pounds. So while I was on the bicep machine, I was looking around the room at the other machines. Shortly after I started at the gym, my original trainer left, and I worked with one of the guys that works there one day. I was doing the shoulder press machine, and was really struggling, and he laughed at me because I couldn't do it. I have not been back on that machine since. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Every time I would look at it, I heard him laughing at me. So today, I decided it was time. He had held me back too long already. I did it today. I had at 20 pounds. And I did 2 sets of 50, And 2 sets of 25, and the last 50 I had to do in sets of 10.... but I did the 200 reps that I was doing on all the machines today. I got of that machine and I was crying. I had done it. And it hurt very bad, but I finished. It was a huge accomplishment for me, before if something had bothered me like that, I probably never would have done it again. And I not only overcame the fear of that machine, and the horror of what happened that day 2 months ago. But I moved past the ability to just forget about things that have given me trouble before. After I stopped crying, I finished up on the triceps machine. I did pounds on that one. I did one set of 50, and one set of 150. If I didn't have class tonight, I could have, and would have stayed a lot longer. It was just amazing. I can't believe how far I have come in so short a time period. Someone once told me they expected great things out of me. At the time, I had a hard time imagining I would ever really get to greatness. Now, I fully believe I WILL achieve greatness. Occasionally I do it now. Today was a day for greatness. I feel like I could conquer the world right now. Every time I get like this, the more I want every day to be like this. Life is just so amazing. And every day is a new adventure, because every day I change in some way, and right now there is no limit to what I can do in life. The only thing that can stop me anymore, is me... and if I can keep this attitude, that won't be possible either.

Food today
Scrambled egg and cheese
Half piece of toast with sugar free blackberry jelly
Stuffed Chicken for Lunch and Supper (I didn't have time to cook, I stayed at the gym too long :) )

Tuesday Food and Workout

I talked to Holly my trainer yesterday about my results from the weigh in last week. She couldn't believe it either. She really didn't have any idea why that would have happened, or how it could have happened. She talked to the other people that work there, and none of them could figure it out. So they decided it was either that I was getting sick, like an infection or something, OR that my body has gotten used to the workout I'm doing, and that it is no longer enough. She suggested I come to the gym everyday, I would only work out with her 3 days a week still, but the other days I can work out on my own. Yesterday's workout was a good workout physically, but I really had a hard time with it mentally, I just wasn't where I needed to be. Usually I finish a workout feeling very fired up and energized and ready to take on the world, yesterday none of that was there. My attitude just wasn't where it needed to be. But here is my workout from yesterday.

Treadmill - 30 minutes, avg 3.2 MPH, 1.5 miles, HR 115
Bike - 30 minutes, Levels 3-9, I did it manually this time instead of the interval mode, 7 miles, HR 125.
Ab Machine - 4 Sets of 40 at 55 pounds
Bicep Curls - 4 Sets of 40 at 20 pounds
Thigh Machine - 4 Sets of 40 at 30 pounds
Triceps Machine - 4 Sets of 40 at 30 pounds
Treadmill - cool down - 10 minutes, 2.5 MPH

Food from yesterday
Boiled Egg
Peanut Butter Toast
Cheese Stuffed Chicken
Protein Bar

I still didn't eat enough yesterday. I have GOT to do better. I seem to either want to eat to much, or not eat enough. I did get my protein and water in yesterday, and took my vitamins and calcium.

See you later today with my workout and food for today.

Frustrated and Confused

Ok. Where do I start. Last week I went to the gym Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, I planned on going Friday night, but it didn't happen. I did go to the zoo Friday though and walked all over it, so I still got some exercise in. Saturday I went to Dollywood and walked all over and pushed a wheel chair almost the whole time, so I got exercise that day too. So Saturday I did my weekly weigh in and measurements. It was devastating. When I measured I had gained 32 inches total in one week. That is anywhere from a month to three months worth of work depending on which area I compared, that I had gained back in one week. When I weighed, I had just eaten not long before, but I had gained .6 pounds. Now... I know there is a LOT I don't have any idea about when it comes to health stuff. However, I also know there was no way possible I could gain 32 inches and not even gain a pound. It simply wasn't possible. So after lots of sitting here in disbelief. I measured again, something had to have been wrong before. My results that time were better but still horrible. My final measurements had me gaining 17 inches. I reweighed later too, longer after I'd eaten, and my final weight loss was .8 pounds. Now I have yet to be able to figure out HOW that is possible. How do you lose weight and GAIN 17 inches?!?!? HOW??? So tomorrow I am going to have a long talk with my trainer and figure out what is going on, because something is obviously not working. So anyway, after that weigh in, I was very confused, and even more frustrated. And Sunday I didn't care about any of it, I didn't want to fool with it, what was the point anyway? So I ate some stuff that I should never eat since my surgery. I didn't take my vitamins and calcium, I didn't get my protein in, I didn't get my water in, and I didn't care. I found some way to justify everything I did. And then when I sat down last night, and started thinking about it all.... I did care. I felt horrible. I took the first step towards throwing EVERYTHING I have worked so hard for away. I started doing the one thing that I have been scared to death of since surgery. I started eating in ways that would stretch my tummy. I started eating like I would have before. Now no, I didn't eat as much as I would have before, and no, I didn't eat everything I would have before. But I ate more than I should have, and things I shouldn't have. So since I am obviously struggling alot, and I have to make sure I don't go back to where I started at 4 months ago, I am going to start posting what I eat on here. I would ask that you all please continue to support me and help me stay focused on what I need to be doing.

Today I had a half peanut butter sandwich with some kashi cereal on it. (I know, it sounds terrible, but it kinda tastes like crunchy peanut butter and it is high in protein) And then later I had a half wrap with chicken, ham, cheese, and some honey dijan on it. I did take my vitamins today and my calcium. I haven't gotten enough water in today. I guess I only had about 40 ounces so far. I didn't get enough protein in today either. I am supposed to have between 62-74 grams of protein a day, and I had 50 today. I need to do better on that. The problem is that I only ate twice today, so it is very hard to get in enough protein when I'm not eating enough.

Now for today's workout. I went to the gym and ended up getting in the pool and doing my workout there today. I did 10 minutes each on the bike, the treadmill, and the elliptical going forward, and then 10 minutes going backwards as well. I did 10 times across the pool doing lunges, 50 leg lifts on each leg going forward, back, and to the side, and 10 minutes of rowing motion with the exercise band. All that was done with 2 floating weights on each leg. I then swam 10 laps in the pool. And finished off with 10 minutes in the hot tub. I was really hesitant to do much right now, until I can talk to my trainer, because I'm afraid I may be OVER doing my workouts or something.

Anyway, I just ask again that anyone out there who reads this or is following my journey to please continue to support and help me stay on track. I am really struggling right now, and I have to be careful or I will make the surgery and everything I have done since then a waste of time and energy. Thanks for the support you all give. I will be posting a lot more, at least for right now.

This week at the gym....

Has been absolutely insane. I was on the bike Tuesday going like normal, and decided I was going to see how fast I could go. I went 2 minutes on level 9 at 21.4 MPH. That alone is completely insane. But then you know I had to tell Christy what I'd done, because it was awesome. And that is when it got really crazy. We decided we were going to have a competition with the bike for the next two weeks, along side our biggest loser competition.

Below are my workouts for this week:

Tuesday:
Treadmill - Level 1 for 20 minutes with an average speed of 3.4 MPH and an average Heart Rate of 124, I did 1 mile in 18.34 minutes.
Bike - I do interval mode on it, which goes at two different levels (5 and 9), but my average level was 6.7, and I did that for 27 minutes, average speed was 15.7 MPH and average HR was 112. That is when I did the 2 minutes at 21.4 MPH on level 9.
After that "warm up" I did machines. My trainer has had me decrease the weight I'm doing and increase reps. So I am now doing 4 sets of 40 on every machine. I did the Ab machine at 50 lbs, Bicep Curls at 30 lbs, Leg press I did 2 sets at 80 lbs and then 2 sets at 100 lbs because 80 was just too light. I did tricep extension at 30 lbs, and then Compound Seated Row Machine at 60 lbs.
So then it was time for my cool down, and I did the bike again, this time I decided I would try "fat burner" mode... which is NOT a cool down exercise, but oh well. I did that for 10 minutes with an average speed of 15.4 MPH and my heart rate averaged 131. It went at several levels ranging from 6 to 16. When it hit level 16, again I decided to see how fast I could go, and went 18.5 MPH for 90 seconds.

Wednesday:
Treadmill, level 1, 30 minutes, with an average speed of 3.2MPH, I did 1.5 miles in 30 mins.
Bike, average level 6.8, for 32 minutes, avg speed 15.2 MPH, and avg HR was 124. I did 6.5 miles in a half hour, and hit 23 MPH on level 9 but could only maintain that for about 45 seconds
Ab Machine, 50 lbs, 4 Sets of 40
Vertical Chest Press, 20 lbs, 4 Sets of 40
Tricep Extensions, 30 lbs, 4 Sets of 40
Bicep Curls, 30 lbs, 4 Sets of 40
Bike, Level 4, 10 min, 2 Miles - cool down

Thursday:
I woke up today, and didn't want to go to the gym, I didn't want to do anything, especially not if it looked like work. But... thanks to some encouragement from Christy... I went. I told her I would go, but I wasn't killing myself there today. So my workout today looks pretty small compared to the other days this week.
Treadmill, level 1, 30 Mins, average speed 3.5 MPH, I went 1.69 Miles in 30 minutes.
Bike, Level 11 & 6 interval mode, 30 minutes, did 7.59 Miles, I hit 163 rpm and maintained for about 5 seconds (which was only so I could beat Christy!!!!), i went 1 mile in 3.5 minutes at lvl 11 (again, I had to beat Christy)!
Then after my time on the bike I was going to do the elliptical, but my trainer wouldn't let me, said it could be unsafe after what I had already done, since I am not used to it. So then I was rather upset so I got back on the treadmill, at level 1, for 26.25 minutes. I was going for 1.31 miles that time, not a specific length of time, I just wanted to get to a total of 3 Miles. Which I did!! I went at 3 MPH for all but one minute of it, which I did at 5 MPH!!
Sooo it doesn't look like much, but it was one heck of a work out! And yes, I still ended up killing myself at the gym today. I left the gym with a MUCH better attitude then I got there with. It has been an amazing week so far, and I still hope to go tomorrow night for my last chance workout.... plus I'm going to the zoo with mom tomorrow, for a field trip with Kindergarten and First grade... and we are going to Dollywood Saturday, so I will get lots of exercise in both of those places. Can't wait to see how the weigh in and measurements go this week! Will keep you posted.

Wow

Hey guys. I did my wiegh in and measurrements today. I am happy with them. I lost 3 pounds this week, and 8.75 inches total this week! I went to the gym this morning, in addition to my three regular days I go every week. So today I was there on my own, no trainer to push me to continue, no friends to push me to continue. Just me. I have to say I think I did very well. I did 16 minutes on the treadclimber at an average of 2.3 mph. I have done it three times total now, and the first time I made it 3 minutes on it before my heart rate hit 240. Needless to say they made me get off, and I stayed off it till this week. Today after 16 minutes my heart rate averaged 133! I did 5 minutes on the elliptical, it is still very hard for me, my heart rate hit 190 on it today, so I went ahead and got off of it. I did 32 minutes (2 minutes cool down) on the bike and the treadmill. On the bike I have started doing interval mode and today I did level 5 and 8. On the treadmill I did 3.4 mph average, and 4.5 mph for one minute. So I did a total of an hour and 20 minutes of cardio, and when I finished that part, my heart rate was only 112! That is absolutely awesome, considering when I started the gym about a month and a half ago, I had a resting heart rate of 102. I am getting so much healthier. My first thought after my cardio this morning was, my heart is getting so much better. I have already added time to my life, in just the month and a half I've been working out. I have also now hit a total of 75 pounds lost since surgery. I am thrilled with my progress, but I am to the point now, that its not about losses anymore. It is truely about what I am gaining from all this. I have more energy then I ever even dreamed was possible. I am getting stronger. I am getting healthy. I am truely happy, for probably the first time ever in my life. Yes I have lost a lot, but I have gained SOO much more. And its all the things in life that really matter. I can't wait to see where my life is going to take me, and I know everyday I'm giving myself longer to get there.

Current losses

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been posting very regularly. I will try to do better about that. I am now about 3 and a half months post op. I have lost as of my last measurements 72.2 pounds, and 77.75 total inches. Christy and I have decided to have a biggest loser competition of our own. I went to the gym today, and mentioned it to my trainer. She was all excited about it, and really pushed me hard. I am sore in all my muscles, including ones I didn't realize I even had. I will post my latest picture too, the difference in the preop picture and my three month picture is just amazing. I have so much energy now, it is unbelievable. Life is good. I will update more later.

I did it!!!

I finally have a good thing to post and share with you all. Yesterday was absolutely amazing. Since surgery I have been feeling like I'd lost the life I had. Feeling like I wasn't able to live anymore. I've had more energy since surgery, but I just never seemed to be able to really get going. When I had my surgery they told me in the hospital that I would have to get between 62 and 74 grams of protein a day. I need to drink 64 ounces of water or crystal light, something along those lines. I need to eat 3 meals a day, with 3 ounces per meal. I've been getting my water in for a while now, just about every day. Up until about two weeks ago, I couldn't eat but about 1 ounce at a meal, and would be perfectly content to only eat twice a day, and only then because I knew I had to. After some long talks with a very good friend, and being convinced that it was ok for me to eat, and that it wasn't going to hurt me to eat, I am now eating 3 meals a day, and 3 ounces for each one. The one thing I had not been able to do, was get in enough protein. Now there are so many protein shakes and things out there, but they just weren't agreeing with me. The shakes make me sick, the protein bars are almost all chocolate, and I don't really like chocolate anymore. I was just really struggling with that part. Now when I was only eating about 2 ounces a day, I was maybe getting 15 grams in, on a really good day. When I started eating that went up to about 40 grams because I found ways to incorporate more into my food. Yesterday, I had 73 grams of protein. For the first time ever, I got in all my fluids, all my meals with the right amount of food, AND ALL my protein. I finally did it. I finally got it everything my body requires. It took me 3 months, and its been a very long road, but I got there. I had so much energy yesterday. I woke up at 7:45 and started my day, and I went strong all day. At midnight last night, I was still full of energy. I went to the gym yesterday, and had one of the most amazing work outs. I told my trainer I wanted to push myself. She made sure I did. I did 20 minutes on the treadmill, with more then half of the time going at least 3.2 mph. I did the elliptical machine for the first time ever. My trainer told me not to be discouraged when I got on it, because most people can't do 2-5 minutes on it when they first start. I did a full 5 minutes on it. I did 8 machines, 2 of which were new. The weight on all of them was up 5 or 10 pounds from what I have been doing, and we normally do 3 sets of 25 on each machine, and yesterday I did 4 sets of 25 on each one. We did several kinds of stretches and working on balance. And then we did some things with the exercise bands. And then the bike for a cool down. I went for a 2 hour work out, going harder then I probably ever have, and it felt great. It was just an absolutely wonderful day. I felt truly alive. I felt the greatness that I have in me that so many have known was there all along, but I'd never been able to see myself. I not only have my life back, but I have so much more. No I may not have lost as much as I would have liked this month. But ultimately, I have gained so much more then I ever felt possible. I have a life, and the energy, health, and desire to enjoy and live it. I finally felt and lived the very reason I had this surgery. I know there will still be rough days along the way. But the other days, the days like yesterday, more than make up for it.

I've stalled....

Well guys, its been a while since i posted, i know. I was out of town for a week, and then school has started back, so i've been keeping pretty busy. I've been going to the gym for right at a month now. I have had mixed emotions about it. I loved it originally, i had a great trainer, i was feeling awesome after my workouts. Then my trainer left. And i had a horrible experience. The guy they gave me to work with didn't push me at all, wouldn't listen to me when i tried to tell him what i had been doing, and laughed at me when i couldn't do what i was trying to do. i got very frustrated. and to a point wanted to quit going completely. but i know i have to go. it was just really hard when the person who is supposed to be encouraging you and pushing you and motivating you stands there and laughs in your face. i know i am not that strong, i know i have a TON of work that needs to be done. that is why i'm there and why i have a trainer, because i need help. not for them to laugh at me. so i went back today and i had an awesome workout. i did two full hours of just me and the trainer. i'm sore tonight from it, and i go the next two days as well, so by friday or saturday, i won't be able to move. but thats ok. i had a different trainer today, who is going to be my new permanent trainer, and she was great. she listened, she encouraged, she wanted to know all about the surgery so she can know what i am going through. she is gonna be great to work with. however, i'm very discouraged today. VERY. i think i've known it was coming for a while now, but it really hit today. when i started at the gym they weighed me there and i weighed 291. i weighed today, a month later, and i'm only down to 286. in a month i've only lost FIVE pounds. i've stalled. my inches aren't really changing either. i mean, i've still lost 65 pounds since surgery in three months. and that is great. but i feel terrible with this month, i was easily losing at least 5 pounds a week up until this month, and then i just lose 5 pounds ALL month. i feel like i'm even failing at this with the surgery. at this point, it shouldn't be possible for me to fail yet. i just recently started even eating 3 ounces a meal. i know i'm not over eating, i'm exercising. i'm drinking my water. and yet i get NO results. i am so frustrated and upset and aggravated. part of me feels like saying forget, and another part of me wants to fight that much harder. i just don't know what more i can do. anyway, just a very bad day. i'm sure it will pass before too long, at least i hope it does. and i hope and pray i start losing again or can at least see some results somehow. this is a hard enough process when you can tell you are getting somewhere, but when you have to fight through all the changes, and can't see that its doing anything either, it gets really tough.

Mistake

**Notice this is a bad day for me. Post is rather depressing and has a bit of "poor me" to it. Don't read if that offends you.**



I never should have had this surgery. Yes losing the weight is wonderful, yes I am under 300 pounds for the first time I can remember, yes I have more energy and feel better physically. But it requires too much special care afterwards. I have to eat just the right things. I have to make sure I eat enough. I have to make sure I drink enough. I can't get in enough damn protein to save me. All the protein shakes and drinks and what ever make me sick. I have to measure everything, only to find out I still can't eat enough. I have to actually EAT. And I HATE eating now. I hate food. I have no desire to eat at all, but I have to. We never have anything in this house that I can eat. Oh I have some cheese. I don't even really like cheese anymore. Nothing tastes good. Nothing sounds good. And if by some miracle something did sound or taste good, I might be able to eat 5 or 6 bites before I'm full. My parents can still eat or not eat anytime they feel like it. And I can't do that. They get mad when I say I have to eat. I can't help it that I have to eat. I'd rather NOT eat. But I don't have that option anymore. Tonight dad doesn't feel good, so we aren't eating. I've not felt good many times over the past two months. I couldn't eat a lot of times, but that didn't stop them from wanting me to go eat with them. I get to sit there in a restaurant for an hour or two and watch them eat, pick at a few crumbs on a plate and act like i'm thrilled to death to be there. But when i have to eat and there is nothing here. thats just too bad. He doesn't want to eat so we aren't going to. This surgery has to potential to be an absolutely wonderful thing. But you have to have support and encouragement and help to get through all this. And i have none of it. I don't know who the hell i am anymore. i don't even know myself when i look in the mirror. i can't do anything like i knew how to do it before. i just feel like i'm all alone in a strange new world, and can't do anything to figure it out or learn or survive. i should have never had this stupid surgery. i may have been fat, but at least i would have been able to live. i'm not living now, i'm further from living then i ever have been.

Wow

I went to the gym again today, for my first REAL session. It was amazing. I can't believe I did what I did. I didn't think there was anyway I could do what she had me doing. I started out with 15 minutes on the treadmill, for a warm up. Then she told me we were just doing cardio today. So she had me do 15 minutes on the bicycle. I went between 14 and 15 mph the whole time. I had to stop once, but only for about 30 seconds, she didn't let me stop for long. I ended up doing 3.75 miles on the bike in 15 minutes! I couldn't do even a quarter of a mile on the bike last time I tried. So that was HUGE! Then she let me take about 2 minutes to breath and it was on to the next machine. I think it is called the stepmaster. I saw it when I went to look at they gym and thought it looked evil. Now I know it is evil. She wanted me to do 15 minutes on that too, but at a little less than 9 she had me get off, I was having trouble breathing and my heart rate was 219. She had me sit down for a minute and catch my breath and drink some water, and then had me get back on the bike for cool down. I did another mile while I was doing my cool down. It was a lot for my first real work out. And I was sweating like I've never sweat before. But I feel so good for having done it. I really didn't think I would be able to. It was amazing. I'm doing things I never thought possible. I can't wait to see how this turns out several months from now. I'm sure what I did today will look like nothing then. Anyway, it was an awesome experience, a great first work out, I am very proud of myself, and looking forward to Friday's workout.

Gym

Well I started at the gym yesterday. It wasn't too hard at all yesterday. I had to fill out all the paperwork and go through the initial evaluation. Figuring out BMI and percentage of fat in my body, getting starting weight, all that stuff. They took my blood pressure and checked my heart rate too. That's where we hit a small problem. My heart rate, resting, was 102. I was tachycardic.
They were hesitant to even have me do anything. But I told them I felt ok, so they had me do 15 minutes on the treadmill. He started it at 2 mph. I felt like I was crawling. He eventually put it up to 2.5 and then 3 mph. He then had me do an exercise where I just stand from sitting, I had to do 2 sets of 10 of those. Originally I thought that was a really stupid exercise and did nothing, but by the end, it was hurting quite a bit in my thighs. I go back tomorrow. I'm curious to see what we do then.

I get to go to the gym!!!

I'm so excited. I looked at gyms last week, and I found one I really liked. While I was talking to them I found out they have a program that is a weight loss program. And you get to work with a trainer three days a week and they make out a special plan customized for you, and my insurance will pay for it if I could get a doctors order. So I took the paper to get the order on the my doctors office Monday, and have been calling every day to find out if it was ready yet. So when I called today, they had filled it out and faxed it to the gym. So I called the gym to find out what I had to do from here. I go Monday to get my "evaluation" and probably do a little bit of a workout, turn in my insurance cards all that stuff. I get to go to the gym anytime I want to, not just when I have my appointments with the trainer. And my insurance will pay for it all. I am so excited. Just had to share.

This Weeks weigh in and measurements

I weighed today and did measurements. I haven't been doing measurements every week, but since i will be starting the gym soon, I decided to, so I could see the results of the gym. I am absolutely thrilled with my results. I feel great right now. I lost 5.4 pounds and 17 inches!!!! I can't wait till I get to start really working out and see what happens then!

Pound For Pound Challenge Widget

Surprised... and Frustrated

Well I measured today, because I'm going to see my counselor tomorrow and haven't seen her since a week after surgery, so I wanted to have current stats to give her. The last time I measured, I'd lost 13 inches total. As of today I've lost a total of 30.5 inches. I didn't think I'd lost that much, so that was a very nice surprise. Then it got to be supper time. I decided I'd have some chicken salad and fruit. So I measured the chicken salad and got what looked like a LOT, it was only an ounce, so I got two ounces of fruit, even though I knew I wouldn't be able to eat that much. So anyway I sat down to eat, a half hour after my last water, trying to do everything right so I could try to get more food in, since I can't ever eat enough. I could not eat even HALF of ONE OUNCE of chicken salad. Not even a half ounce!! I'm beyond frustrated. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm starting to think I just need to eat like all day. I also broke under 300 today. I was at 299 when I weighed!! Anyway. I just had to share.

Concerns

I have a problem. I had this surgery to give me a new life. The thing is, the surgery just helps me have that new life. I can't have a new life, if I don't make the effort and changes I have to. The surgery makes it where I don't eat as much, and therefore can lose weight if I try and do my part. The problem is, I have to change what I eat and how I eat, or the surgery won't work. Sure, I'll lose initially. I may lose a lot. But if I don't change, the loss won't last. I am eating less. I know that. I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat most of the time. However, I have to eat. I can't live if I don't eat. But I'm not measuring my food like I should be, so I have no idea how much I actually AM eating. I know its less then I used to eat, but that doesn't mean it's not more than I am supposed to be eating now. I'm not eating all the fat and grease I used to eat either. But I'm not eating the things I really need to be either. I eat protein, but not enough. I eat fruit. But I'm still eating some carbs too. And THAT is where my major concern comes in. My weight loss support group has a message board, that I get the posts in my email. So I was reading the email from the board today. Someone who is several years out of surgery, has gained her weight back. She start eating bread, chips, snack cakes, all that stuff that we all are used to eating before surgery. She would get stressed or upset, and would eat. And she didn't measure and didn't eat what she was supposed to, but instead fell back into the trap of eating what "tastes good". I don't want to go there. I am young, I have my whole life ahead of me still. I have a chance now to make that the best life anyone could ask for, and be healthy. But I have to do what it takes to make that happen. I felt like I was really trying. Like I've really changed. But the fact is, I really haven't. I'm doing the same crap I did for 28 years that got me to be as big as I was. I have to change it. I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to make the changes I have to, and that I will end up right back where I started. I can NOT let that happen. I simply can't. I have to change. The surgery leads to many success stories. It also can lead to stories that are not so successful. I want to be one of the success stories. I'm on my way, I've lost more then 50 pounds in less than 2 months. But if I don't change, and REALLY change, in every way, that will not last. I was at 300 the last time I weighed. I am probably under that by now. I will NOT go back above 300. I will not. It simply is not an option. I guess I'm just finally realizing the seriousness and everything that this surgery means and requires. Its hit that it is really time to change. I can change and give myself the life that I want, or I can continue the way I am, and continue to have the life I've always had. I'm concerned and nervous that I could end up right back where I was.

I think I'm finally well

It has been a long week. I got bronchitis last weekend. It was one of the worse cases of it I've ever had. I guess it was intensified because my immune system has been through a lot the last 2 months. I know I am ready to get healthy. On top of being sick, school has been about to kill me. I am so far behind. Every time I think I'm getting close to being caught up, my program either won't work, or they assign extra at school. I am getting a little closer finally. I'll be very happy when this quarter is over. Next quarter I'm not getting behind like this. It's so much easier to do good work when you get to do it as it is assigned. My weight loss has been slow this month too. I lost 40 pounds the first month after surgery. So far this month I have only lost 12. One week I actually gained 2 pounds. I got to 302, was excited because that meant I should have broke 300 by the next week. The next week when I weighed, I was at 304. That was tough. I know there will be periods where my loss will be small and slow, but gaining was hard. I think I'm breaking through that slow period now. I weighed today, 7 weeks after surgery. I was at 300.0. It was a wonderful site, but a bitter one as well, because that means I am SOOOO close to breaking 300, my first weight loss goal, but still not there. Hopefully by next week I will have made my goal. I need to start getting some exercise in, I know that will help speed up the weight loss, plus I'm starting to get flabby skin on my arms and legs. I need to start toning before it gets way out of hand. And my hips are driving me crazy. I'm getting smaller everywhere except my hips. I have got to do something to get them smaller. I unfortunately am unable to get to a gym right now. So I don't know how to go about doing that. If anyone has suggestions on exercises I can start doing to firm up and lose the hips, that don't require a gym, please let me know. I have lost 52 pounds since surgery, which is great, but I still have a long way to go. I am ready to start really living my new life. And can't wait to see what will develop as I go.

Today was great!

Ok today was great. I talked to the gym, I hopefully will be able to get started soon. I can't wait till I can start working out and get the inches off. I only ate twice today, BUT I was able to eat my 3 ounces. I am feeling great. Yesterday morning was just really emotional, but then this entire thing is VERY emotional. Its sooo much more mental then I ever thought possible. I was told it was, but I didn't believe it could be that bad. It is. I got some homework knocked out today. Feels great to mark them off my list. I weighed today. I'm down to 305. I will hit a major mile stone. We are going to church tomorrow and I was trying on clothes and so many were too big. It felt wonderful. I just am in a great mood today. I feel like I could tackle the world right now and win!! See you all tomorrow!

Doing Better Tonight

Hey guys. I'm doing better tonight. I'm doing better about not stressing so much about food. I may not be able to get it in at once, but I can still get it all in. I've already had 32 ounces of water today, my most so far. I made it through the whole class at school tonight. I'm trying to just relax and tackle it all as another challenge to conquer. I will get through it and be stronger in the end. This is just more ways that I am realizing how mental this whole process is. That's ok though, I love the challenge and the work it takes and how it makes me feel when I can accomplish them. I do love life. I love everything about it. It just gets frustrating at times.

Whats wrong with me???

Hi guys. I'm having a REALLY hard time right now. I am having trouble eating even an ounce of food. I fixed an egg with some cheese this morning and was gonna have a banana with it to get my 3 ounce meal. I couldn't even eat half the egg and cheese which is 2 ounces... didn't even touch the banana. I feel full but I'm not getting anywhere enough food in. I can't get enough fluids in either. I drink maybe 20 ounces a day and I'm supposed to be getting 64. If I can't get this stuff in I'm gonna get sick and possibly even die. I am sitting here crying right now because I hate myself. I feel like I am holding myself back. The worse part is, there is really nothing I can do about it. But I am 5 weeks outta surgery. I should be able to eat 3 ounce meals without any major problem. I know I had complications and that probably set me back a little. But my opening is the size its supposed to be now, so it shouldn't be a problem anymore. I am just so discouraged and frustrated and getting scared. I don't wanna die, and I'm afraid I'm gonna kill myself from not eating. I just needed to vent. I need support right now. Its all just very hard to process mentally. I'll post more later. Hopefully I'll be in a better mood then.

I'm FREE!!!

I had to go today to get my opening into my stomach stretched the rest of the way. That went really well. They used real anesthesia so I didn't know anything. Of course that's made me tired all day, but that is ok. After I woke up and left there, I had an appointment to get my drain outta my stomach. I was beyond ready for that thing to get out. It was hurting all the time, it was making me sick, and it made it hell to move at all. So I got to the doctors office and after a nurse practitioner, a nurse, a doctor, and 2 phone calls to other doctors.... they finally figured out how to get the thing out. My first one didn't hurt at all coming out. This thing did. It hurt. It took my breath away. And it made me sick instantly. But.... its gone now. For the first time since surgery I am free from all tubes and wires. I feel soo much better already. I can move easier. I haven't been sick all day. I am hoping I'll start feeling like eating more now, because I've not been getting in nearly enough food. Yes I'm worrying about eating more.... what a change. Just another way I am seeing everything in my life change. Now I get to work on getting to the gym. Need to get some inches off to go with the pounds I'm losing. Building up some strength wouldn't hurt any either. And in any free time I have.... I get to do homework.... I am 14 assignments behind right now.

I'm back!!!!

Hey guys! Man have I missed you all. As most of you know I ended up in the hospital for a while... 20 days to be exact. I had my surgery on December 23. I was doing great. Then all the sudden at about a week and a half I started getting sick with everything I ate. I couldn't even keep down water at that point. I knew something was wrong!! I had my mom call Dr Hodges office and Dr Watson was on call and said to get to the ER. Now I must point out that at this point I was also in a LOT of pain. I mean, screaming in pain. I live in Morristown. I had to get to Johnson City to the ER (about an hour and a half to two hours away), as obviously doctors here would have NO clue what to do with a gastric bypass patient. It felt like it took 3 days to get to the hospital. I barely remember checking in. The next thing I remember to any extent was about 2 and a half weeks later, and that was just waking up and not feeling good. What a thing to remember huh?? Apparently I was making phone calls during that time and don't even remember them. That could be really dangerous!! Anyway, during that time, a lot happened. They found out I had an abscess between my left lung and my stomach. I don't know how it got there, or why it got there. But it was there. And it was full of infection. My white blood count was 20,000. I had to get another jp drain to take care of that. All I really remember about that was they said they were putting this thing in my lung, and I was panicking thinking, they're going to poke a hole in my lung and I'm going to die. It ended up not being my lung, and needless to say I didn't die!! Then we found out I had pneumonia. That one didn't require any special actions, but just another thing to have to deal with. Now notice, we still haven't figured out why I couldn't keep anything down. They had to put me on TPN. (I don't remember what it stands for Total Something Nutrition) Now, TPN is an IV nutrition, but it can't go in a regular IV or it destroys your veins. Soo I had to get a pick line. Now, remember I'm still not real alert. So when they tell me about this thing, all I could think was, Oh God, now I have to get an IV line directly into my heart and I'm going to die again. I had a fear of dying can you tell?? That process was painless though, it was actually very nice, because I no longer had to get a new IV everyday, and they could draw my blood, which was happening at least once a day, through the pick line as well. So it was actually very nice to have. So now I'm getting nutrition, but I still can't keep anything down. They did the scope thing where they put the light down, and we found that my opening in to my pouch was 3mm, it is supposed to be 15mm. To give you an idea on sizes, my pouch is supposed to be a little smaller than a life saver, and was the size of an IV line. Soo we had to stretch that out, but they could only get it to 12mm, and it will shrink some, so I go tomorrow to have it stretched again to the full size. And after that I go to Dr Hodges office and get my SECOND jp drain out. I'm soo ready to be free of tubes and tape. Anyway, its been a very long, hard road. I was very sick. I know at one point there was talk of having to reverse my surgery. Thank GOD we didn't have to resort to that.

Now on the positive side of all this. Friday was my one month post op date. I got to weigh at HOME!!! I got out of the hospital Thursday and got home late that evening. When I weighed, I was at 312, I start at 352, so 40 pounds in a month. And I measured and I have lost a total of 13 inches. I would like to have more inches gone, but under the circumstances, I am THRILLED. I am still weak, but I feel like a completely different person already. I look forward to everyday of life. I can't wait to see the new adventures life is going to bring me. I'm absolutely DYING to get to the gym and start being able to work out. I'm still not able to because of this drain. When I go to the doctor tomorrow to get it out I'll be finding out when I can safely start doing exercises and how much I should be doing. I'm walking some now, but I want to do REAL exercise.

I also got to move on to the next food stage, so I can now do soft and pureed foods. I can eat cheeses, cottage cheese, fruit (which i LOVE) meats if they do strings like chicken or beef. It has to be low fat and sugar free, but its still real food!! I ate two whole chicken nuggets worth today!! That's my most so far!

Life is great. I have changed so much already. I love life. I live more. I cherish every moment. I'm waiting for the moment I fall in love, I know it will come and I will have a family some day. I love myself now, so I will truly be able to love others now. I now have hope and dreams for myself and KNOW that I will reach them.

School is going great. I ended up not having to drop (or being dropped) from any of my classes. I have lots of homework to do, but my teachers are being great. They are both working with me, giving me as much time as I need and letting me make up everything. I should be able to pull at least B's in all of them, maybe even A's. I am a little more than a year from graduation with my engineering degree. I've wanted it for so long, and its finally within site. I just have so much ahead of me and I can't wait to live it and experience it. I may have a couple job opportunities coming up too. Both with government agencies. Can't beat that for a first real job while still in college.

I promise to do my best to keep up to date posting and keeping you all up to date...

Love,
Stephanie