Mistake

**Notice this is a bad day for me. Post is rather depressing and has a bit of "poor me" to it. Don't read if that offends you.**



I never should have had this surgery. Yes losing the weight is wonderful, yes I am under 300 pounds for the first time I can remember, yes I have more energy and feel better physically. But it requires too much special care afterwards. I have to eat just the right things. I have to make sure I eat enough. I have to make sure I drink enough. I can't get in enough damn protein to save me. All the protein shakes and drinks and what ever make me sick. I have to measure everything, only to find out I still can't eat enough. I have to actually EAT. And I HATE eating now. I hate food. I have no desire to eat at all, but I have to. We never have anything in this house that I can eat. Oh I have some cheese. I don't even really like cheese anymore. Nothing tastes good. Nothing sounds good. And if by some miracle something did sound or taste good, I might be able to eat 5 or 6 bites before I'm full. My parents can still eat or not eat anytime they feel like it. And I can't do that. They get mad when I say I have to eat. I can't help it that I have to eat. I'd rather NOT eat. But I don't have that option anymore. Tonight dad doesn't feel good, so we aren't eating. I've not felt good many times over the past two months. I couldn't eat a lot of times, but that didn't stop them from wanting me to go eat with them. I get to sit there in a restaurant for an hour or two and watch them eat, pick at a few crumbs on a plate and act like i'm thrilled to death to be there. But when i have to eat and there is nothing here. thats just too bad. He doesn't want to eat so we aren't going to. This surgery has to potential to be an absolutely wonderful thing. But you have to have support and encouragement and help to get through all this. And i have none of it. I don't know who the hell i am anymore. i don't even know myself when i look in the mirror. i can't do anything like i knew how to do it before. i just feel like i'm all alone in a strange new world, and can't do anything to figure it out or learn or survive. i should have never had this stupid surgery. i may have been fat, but at least i would have been able to live. i'm not living now, i'm further from living then i ever have been.