Lost

That's exactly how I feel. Lost. I'm so completely overwhelmed and confused and frustrated by everything right now. I am in pain constantly. It never goes away. It never even really gets any less painful. And everyday the minimum pain increases. I'm having trouble eating. I am staying hungry. But when I go to eat, I can't. I'm only eating 3 ounces a meal again, and I can't eat the whole three ounces now. I eat about half of it, and I'm full and feeling sick. My body can't possibly be getting enough nutrition. I'm sure part of that is due to the pain as well, when you hurt that bad, you just have no desire to eat. However I have to. I don't want to, but I'm forcing myself to eat something, for 3 meals a day. I am not sure what is going to happen with school. Where I had my complications after surgery and had to drop that quarter, it messed my schedule up. I now only have 2 classes I can possibly take, and I have to have BOTH of them before I can go any further. If I don't get both of this quarter, and one of them isn't due to be offered again yet, I'm going to have to take the quarter off, which will put me even further behind. And it will also cut into my payback time for my student loans. I am just very lost. I find myself sitting here wishing I could have my knee surgery tomorrow and get this over with, but then at the same time I'm scared. What if its not something the surgery can fix? What if it doesn't heal right? What if I can never fully use my knee again? I have so many things I want to do, and plan on doing, but I can barely even walk right now. I fully intended to do a marathon in April. I still do intend to. But I can't help but wonder and question if that is physically possible within a 7 months from knee surgery. Or for that matter, if it will ever be possible. I'm absolutely dying to go for a walk. To get out and do something. And I just can't. I physically can't. I am honestly getting to the point where I can barely walk up and down the stairs to my room. I don't know how I'm going to manage another month until we can get the surgery done, if its even something surgery can fix. I just can't explain the emotions I'm having. I have way too many to be able to even list. If you can name an emotion, I'm probably experiencing it right now. If I'm not, I will be in about 5 minutes. I'm just an emotional wreck. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't walk. I can't stop hurting. I can't concentrate. I can't focus. I can't... I just can't. I'm lost. Lost in pain.