Lost

That's exactly how I feel. Lost. I'm so completely overwhelmed and confused and frustrated by everything right now. I am in pain constantly. It never goes away. It never even really gets any less painful. And everyday the minimum pain increases. I'm having trouble eating. I am staying hungry. But when I go to eat, I can't. I'm only eating 3 ounces a meal again, and I can't eat the whole three ounces now. I eat about half of it, and I'm full and feeling sick. My body can't possibly be getting enough nutrition. I'm sure part of that is due to the pain as well, when you hurt that bad, you just have no desire to eat. However I have to. I don't want to, but I'm forcing myself to eat something, for 3 meals a day. I am not sure what is going to happen with school. Where I had my complications after surgery and had to drop that quarter, it messed my schedule up. I now only have 2 classes I can possibly take, and I have to have BOTH of them before I can go any further. If I don't get both of this quarter, and one of them isn't due to be offered again yet, I'm going to have to take the quarter off, which will put me even further behind. And it will also cut into my payback time for my student loans. I am just very lost. I find myself sitting here wishing I could have my knee surgery tomorrow and get this over with, but then at the same time I'm scared. What if its not something the surgery can fix? What if it doesn't heal right? What if I can never fully use my knee again? I have so many things I want to do, and plan on doing, but I can barely even walk right now. I fully intended to do a marathon in April. I still do intend to. But I can't help but wonder and question if that is physically possible within a 7 months from knee surgery. Or for that matter, if it will ever be possible. I'm absolutely dying to go for a walk. To get out and do something. And I just can't. I physically can't. I am honestly getting to the point where I can barely walk up and down the stairs to my room. I don't know how I'm going to manage another month until we can get the surgery done, if its even something surgery can fix. I just can't explain the emotions I'm having. I have way too many to be able to even list. If you can name an emotion, I'm probably experiencing it right now. If I'm not, I will be in about 5 minutes. I'm just an emotional wreck. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't walk. I can't stop hurting. I can't concentrate. I can't focus. I can't... I just can't. I'm lost. Lost in pain.

7 Months

Today is 7 months since I had my gastric bypass surgery. It has been a crazy ride. From days where I'm on the top of the world and can do anything, to days where I am struggling so hard I can't see any way to possibly continue with the journey, and everywhere in between. Yesterday was by far the worst day I've had since surgery. I was completely unable to see any way positive to continue this path. I had decided I was going to stop eating. I am having serious problems with my knee, which is making it extremely difficult for me to do a good workout. Which means I am not burning as many calories as I would like. And in my mind, I had to stop eating because I couldn't take in calories that I couldn't burn off. Because I was convinced if I ate calories I couldn't burn off, I would gain weight. And gaining weight is not an option. I can not and will not gain this weight back and go back to where I was. So I did my monthly anniversary weigh in today. I was very hesitant, even scared. I didn't want to see the number on the scale. I have to say I was shocked. Very shocked. I started at 355 pounds before surgery. 7 months later, I weigh 231.6 pounds. I have lost 123.4 pounds, and 146.5 inches.

My monthly losses to date are as follows:
Starting weight: 355
1 Month: 43 pounds, 13 inches
2 Months: 20 pounds, 38.25 inches
3 Months: 10 pounds, 8 inches
4 Months: 9.2 pounds, 32.5 inches
5 Months: 18.4 pounds, 21.5 inches
6 Months: 12.2 pounds, 13.5 inches
This Month: 10.6 pounds, 19.75 inches

Impossible

Ok, so I tried to eat the way i'm supposed to according to the dietitian today. I failed miserably. My fat is over, my calories is wayyy under. My cholesterol is too high, and my protein is too low right now. Oh and carbs is low too. I just don't know how its possible to do what she said. And i tried to eat that much at supper, and i couldn't come close. I am beyond stressed and confused with this. I broke down crying at supper because i have tried so hard to eat more today and eat like she said i'm supposed to be, and i'm still not eating anything. plus i'm in major major pain. my knee is getting much worse everyday. if it continues to get worse at this rate, i won't be able to do anything at all by two weeks from now, if i make it that far i'll be very surprised. i went to school with mom today and started painting. will have to go one more time and that should get it finished. now, having said that. i did get a new pair skort today. a skirt with shorts under it. It was in the regular size womens clothes, which i can't remember the last time i could wear regular size clothes. this was a size 18 in regular sizes. which means i can now buy shirts and pants in the regular sizes. pretty amazing. however i can't help but feel that if i eat as much as they say i'm supposed to, i'm not going to be able to wear those sizes long, i'll gain weight back. plus with my knee and not being able to work out or exercise or really do anything. i basically get to sit here and eat and eat and eat and eat some more. hmmmm sounds an awful lot like what i was doing before surgery. and we all know where that got me. so i guess thats where i'm supposed to end up at again. *sighs* i fought like hell for 7 months to be forced to go back where i started. *cries* i am so damn confused and frustrated. i just wanna scream and cry.... and knock myself out so i can not hurt and maybe even sleep tonight. i haven't slept more then 3 hours the past 4 days. i can't keep going like this, i just can't. and i can't do a damn thing about it.

Overwhelmed

Hey guys. Today was a crazy day for me. I went to the orthopedic surgeon this morning to see what was going on with my knee. He thinks I've torn my meniscus in my right knee. The only way to fix that is with surgery, and there is nothing you can do to help it in the mean time. I'm scheduled for an MRI on August 5th. That was the soonest they could get me in. I see the doctor again on August 12, and more then likely I'll be scheduling surgery that day. Surgery will probably be the end of August when this quarter is over at school. Now, there are lots of problems with this. One, I'm not supposed to do anything that hurts my knee, no bending, no pressure, nothing, and stay off it as much as possible. Well EVERYTHING hurts my knee. It hurts sitting down, it hurts standing up, it hurts laying down, it hurts elevated, it hurts bent, it hurts straight. Putting pressure on it to drive (not a lot of pressure needed for that) was unbearable pain. Then you also have to remember that I have gotten used to going constantly and doing major lower body and cardio workouts. That's not even an option anymore. I did 26 minutes on the bike today at level one, only going 3.5 MPH. I was trying for 30 minutes but I was hurting so bad I simply couldn't go any longer. We did upper body strength training today. And I still left the gym crying because my knee was hurting so bad. I had to stop in the room with machines twice and take pressure off of it. The second time I leaned against the ab machine and just cried. It hurt so bad. I tried to go to school tonight, and I was in so much pain that I couldn't have possibly paid attention to class and actually gotten anything out of it, and I couldn't drive. I called mom and she met me and was going to drive me, and the pain was just to much. It is still throbbing. And shooting pain all the way from my foot to my hip. I don't know what I'm going to do. Apparently there is nothing I can do, but pray this next month passes fast and that surgery will take care of it. I don't want to have surgery at all, but I can't live in pain like this forever.

Now having said that. I am extremely stressed and overwhelmed with food issues right now too. I asked Jerod (pt) a few weeks ago how much I should be eating, as far as calories go. I started tracking them on www.livestrong.com and was noticing that I had a negative net calorie total just about everyday. So he told me I needed to eat more. I had a realllly hard time dealing with that, and decided to email the dietitian that we work with before surgery and find out how much of everything we are supposed to be getting in. She emailed me back today. The numbers she gave me are.... I can't explain it. She said I should be getting i 1200-1300 calories a day. Since I have increased amount I eat since talking to Jerod about it, I am having to work very hard to get 900 calories, most days I don't get close to that. She also said I'm only supposed to have 20g of fat a day. Now, I eat low fat everything, have been ever since surgery. I was at 36g today. I'm not sure if its even possible to get 1200 calories in and only 20g of fat. Any food that will give me any amount of calories, is going to have fat, even if it is reduced fat. And I'm supposed to have 100 grams of carbs a day. Again, carbs are going to have fat, and I swear they told us we were supposed to go very low carbs?? And then of course protein, I'm supposed to get between 60 and 70 grams of it a day. I just simply do not see how its possible to get all that in. She said the "quick and easy" way of figuring it out, is to use a 6 inch plate, divide it in thirds, and fill it with 2-3 ounces of protein, 1/4-1/2 cup of vegetables, and 2 tablespoons of starch/carbs, and eat that three times a day. Now... please keep in mind that my surgery gave me an approximately 3 ounce pouch for a stomach. If I eat by that guide, that's 3 ounces of protein, 4 ounces of vegetables, and at least an ounce of starch or carbs. That is 8 ounces. How am I supposed to eat 8 ounces at once, when my stomach only holds 3 ounces? I am so confused and stressed and overwhelmed by it all. I just don't see how it is even physically possible.

So, needless to say I'm struggling right now. ALOT. I'm on a major emotional rollercoaster. Thankfully my attitude is staying in a good place right now. I'd be a disaster waiting to happen if my attitude falls apart on me. Please feel free to post comments with encouragement and support. It is very much needed and appreciated all the time, but even more so right now.

Nervous

Hey guys. Had a pretty good day today. Had some absolutely wonderful BBQ from Sonny's today. I still like it!! Never know any more, so much doesn't taste good. But it was really good, plus it was a nice change. Been very tired today. Knee is bothering me alot. Which is why I'm nervous. I'm going to the orthopedic tomorrow to get this knee looked at and find out whats going on. I don't have any idea what he'll say or find. Whatever he says will determine how my gym is going to play out for a while. I'm praying its not something really serious. I'm ready to get back on track and doing what I need to be doing. I got a marathon to train for. I can't do that very well when I can't even walk. Pretty good day today though. Went to Knoxville with mom and dad and worked on homework. Nothing too exciting, but that's OK. I think I'm heading to bed. I'm just exhausted.

A new experience

Well guys, I'm now almost 7 months out of surgery (Thursday will be 7 months). i have lost something every week since i had my surgery. Until this week. I have been having trouble with my right knee and have basically unable to do anything. Tuesday i went to the gym and i was only able to do 12 minutes on the treadmill before my knee gave out completely, and that was going at a much lower speed and incline then i normally do. i stopped it and tried to do the bike and was hurting so bad that in less then a minute on the bike i was physically sick from pain. we didn't do anything else that day but put heat on my knee. Wednesday i didn't go to the gym due to my knee. so i went yesterday and didn't even try the treadmill, i just did bike. i did manage to get my whole half hour in, but i was hurting very bad, and my heart rate got very high due to the pain. i only had it on a level 1 and averaged about 11 mph and my heart rate was 199. so it was a very tough week. plus I'm trying to eat more because I've not been getting in enough calories with the amount of activity I've been doing. so today was my weekly weigh in, and my weight was the same as it was last week. now, i honestly was expecting to gain this week. i was prepared for a gain, or as prepared as i could be. but i managed to maintain. it was actually a very proud moment when i realized i didn't lose, but i didn't gain either. maintaining a weight is hard to do when you're increasing food intake and unable to get in any activity. my inches suffered this week too, i gained 1.5 inches total this week. again, all things considered not too bad. not what i would have liked, of course, but still much better then it could have been and then i expected it to be. it was also an eye opener. i wasn't giving myself credit for losing the weight i have, crediting it to the surgery. and that i just lost because of it. that's obviously not true though. because i didn't lose this week. now I'm sure the surgery had a part in the loss. but i would not, and could not have gotten where i am now, without the hard work and dedication i have put into this new life. i have lost 120 pounds and i can be very proud of that. because i have worked for it, fought for it, and earned it.

i went to a move today for the first time since before surgery too. the last time i went, i couldn't fit in the seats. i was too big. today, i not only fit in the chairs, but i could put my hands down beside me, and still have room left in the seat. it was absolutely awesome. you don't think about the small things like that when you start on a life changing journey like this. but i can't begin to explain the feeling, the pride, the moment when you realize you can do something you couldn't before. those moments are truly priceless.

until next time,
steph

Food for today

Here is my food for today. Not too bad I don't think.

Breakfast

Toast 1oz
Blackberry SF Jelly 0.5oz
Scrambled Egg 1oz
Low fat shreaded cheese 0.5oz
Total 3 oz

Lunch

Half hamburger 1.5oz
Slice fat free cheese 0.25oz
Potato Salad 1oz
Total 2.75 oz

Supper

Chinease Pepper Chicken 3oz
Total 3oz

Snacks

Protein Brownie 0.5oz
Total 0.5oz


Total for day 8.75 ounces at meals
9.25 ounces including snack
72 ounces of water or SF drinks

Weekly Weigh In and Thoughts

Hey guys. Once again I was sick this week. Maybe I'm really over it this time. I'm SOOO ready to get back into the routine I'm used to and really get some work done at the gym. However I think I finally have accepted that I'm going to have to slow down every now and then and take care of myself completely instead of just working my butt off at the gym. I need to put that much work into the whole journey. It has been a very rough two weeks for me. I'm have a terrible time trying to deal with food issues. I actually found myself wishing yesterday that I hadn't had the surgery. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm very glad I did. I feel wonderful physically. I have more energy then I know what to do with, most of the time. I am starting to look absolutely wonderful. LOL ok maybe that sounds a little too conceited, but.... that's ok. I don't say it often. This journey is just sooo emotionally and mentally challenging. I can't even begin to explain it. I heard before I had it that it was all mental. I didn't believe it. But it is SOOOO true. It is just all very overwhelming at times. Everything I knew before surgery about food and exercise (which was basically I hate it and I'm not doing it) doesn't apply anymore. But it goes so much further then just the food and exercise. My emotions are different and much stronger. My attitude is... I don't even know where to begin on that one. I honestly never realized JUST how important attitude was to everything in life. And I am having the hardest time in the world trying to keep my attitude where it needs to be. My outlook on everything has changed. My hopes and dreams and wishes for my life have changed. I have found happiness, which anyone who has known me for any period of time knows that is a HUGE accomplishment for me. Everything I ever knew, has changed. And I have to admit, I thought it would get easier the further out I go, and it probably will. However right now its probably the hardest its ever been. That I'm sure is because I've hit that critical 6 month mark. The point where so many people who go through this surgery make it to, and then go back to the way they always did things. The point where you have to make even more effort to stay focused and stay on track. The point where you decide I want this to work, and I want it to work forever, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to see that it does. Or the point where you decide that you miss the old ways of life, the old ways of eating, the old ways of doing things and go back to what you used to do. The holidays are a very hard time for me, at least this first year. Again I'm sure it will get easier as I get further out. I never realized just how much all the holidays focus on food. Even the ones that don't seem like they do, have food stuff that you just associate with them all the time. Having said that, I have been thinking alot the last couple days. I have come too far, I've worked to hard. I don't and won't go back. Yes it is hard. But I knew it would be, maybe not how hard, but I knew it would be. I have made the decision to do this and make it my way of life. That means I have to be able to accept the decisions and choices I need to make to do this and do it correctly and successfully. Its a challenge everyday, but it really is worth it.

Now, for this weeks weight in. I lost 3.8 pounds this week, and I lost 2 inches. I am down to 239 lbs. I started at 355 lbs. So I have lost 116 pound total. I have lost a total of 132.75 inches. The most amazing part about the inches is, I have lost almost 2 FEET around my waist, and am very close to having lost that much in my hips too.

I went to my surgeon for my 6 month follow up Monday of this week. I saw the nurse practitioner. She told me I am doing perfect and that I should be very proud of myself. She said she looks at my chart, and my weight loss, and then looks at me, and can only think I've lost a whole person. She has a son who weighs 110 pounds. She said I look at you and can only think you used to carry him on your back at all times, every time you did anything and never put him down. That was a pretty powerful image. Really made me realize just exactly how much I've accomplished and how far I've really come.

I have joined a weight loss site online, that specializes for people who have had the surgery. It gives me the ability to create a "ticker" showing my weight loss. It has my starting weight and a goal weight and shows how much I have to go to get to goal. I will update it every week at weigh ins. I have put the ticker on the bottom of my blog. So be sure to check that out. I set my goal weight at 160, which may change, but I thought it would be a good place to shoot for. I may decide when I get closer to that point, that I may want to adjust that number for my goal.

I hope everyone has a great 4th of July. Thanks for the support you all give me. It means more then you can ever know. Love you all.
Steph