Choices

I think I'm almost numb. I've had soo many extremely powerful emotions and feelings that I think my body and mind are simply overwhelmed. I have so much going on inside right now, and I can't even begin to figure out what they are. I just sit here. Wanting to say whats going on in my head, and I almost can't even feel it enough to be able to. I know that I am incredibly anxious. I'm 4 days away from surgery that will completely change my entire life, forever. Oh my God... I'm 4 days away. What the hell am i doing. My life will never be the same again. Do I really want to do this? Am I ready for this? I mean, I know my life will be better because of it... but... 4 days and life as I've always known it is over. I'm nervous and scared. What if... what if something does happen, what if something goes wrong either in surgery or post op. What if my body rejects the changes and I have to have it reversed. What if it simply doesn't work. What if I do all this for nothing. What if I die. Who will take care of mom and dad. I'm all they have left. What if they put me to sleep and I can't wake up. What if I have trouble with the anesthesia like mom did that time. What if I don't do this surgery and end up having heart problems which are so common in my family but would be intensified because of my weight and still end up dying. What if I became diabetic and couldn't eat for that reason. What if I developed all the risks that are so high for me anyway, because of family history and weight makes them more common for anyone. I have a much smaller chance of dying in surgery, with doctors right there and people watching to make sure I'm ok, then I really do if I don't have the surgery. I weigh 341 pounds and I'm 28 years old. My body can't possibly be in good shape with all that weight. I've already had trouble with my ankles and knees. I've had chest pain. And I already can't breath when I sleep. Do I really have any choice but to have the surgery. I am basically a time bomb waiting to explode if I don't do something to change. Yes its a complete life changing surgery. But, is that not what I need. I need to change my life before my body can't handle anymore and its too late. I can go to surgery in 4 days and be given a new chance at life. Or I can not go, continue on the path I'm on now, and wonder when my life will be taken away because I didn't take care of me and do what I needed to to live. So basically I can choose to go through with the surgery, that everything is ready and waiting for me, and live, or cancel it and wait to die. Wow I guess there really isn't a choice there. I have to do this surgery. I have to. I fought soo hard to get free from the psychological prison I was holding myself in. The lies I had convinced myself were true. The self hate. The desire to die. The lack of hope. I got through all that. So I could finally experience life. Happiness. Hope. Dreams. I have all that. I finally have a chance to really live, but my health could keep me from that. If I have this surgery. WHEN I have this surgery, there will be NOTHING that can stop me. I can sit here and feel sorry for myself and whine and bitch about how hard it is, or I can remember that nothing in life that is worth having comes easy. And I can fight like hell and get through this, I'm almost there now anyway. And then I watch as my new life begins and I can finally truly live and enjoy life. All the sudden, the past couple weeks doesn't seem so bad. A very small price to pay for the benefits I will gain.