I don't want to die!!

These emotions are gonna drive me crazy. I will be so glad when what I'm feeling lasts more then 5 minutes. A new one has surfaced though. I'm scared now. Life has been really hard for me for a long time. I've fought with not wanting to live many times. That part has passed. Now I don't want to NOT live. My life has finally started to make some sense, its finally headed in a positive direction. I don't want to die. I am having major surgery in 12 days. Major surgery that will change my life. But it is still major surgery. And with any surgery, there are risks. The bigger the surgery, the more risks. I haven't been scared at all, through the process so far. Now all the sudden I'm beyond scared. I'm just sitting here crying. And I really don't even know why. I mean, sure I'm scared, but this surgery is a good thing, right? It's going to make my life better, it's going to give me a life. Why am I crying about that? Being scared is even kind of expected isn't it? Who am I trying to fool. I'm scared to death. For so long I was scared to live. Now I'm terrified of dying. I'm not scared of death. I'm just... I'm not ready to die. I want to experience life and enjoy it. I'm finally able to appreciate life, I'm not ready for it to end. I know the doctor does this all the time. I know he knows what he is doing. I know if its my time to go, its not going to matter if I'm in surgery or anywhere else. I know all that. I do. But I'm still scared. I... I don't even know what to say. I'm just sitting here staring at the screen like I'm frozen in time. I'm so tired I can barely hold my eyes open. These emotions changing every 5 minutes can really wear you down. I need to go to bed, but I don't want to. What if I don't make it through surgery. That means I only have 12 days left to live. That's what...288 hours. If that's all I have left in life, I don't want to waste it sleeping. If I don't make it through surgery, I'll never get to start my own family. I'll never be able to have a career. I'll never get to do everything I want to do. What about my family? What would they do if I was gone. They need me. My friends need me. I can't die yet. I just can't. I'm not ready. And I'm scared to death they are going to put me to sleep for surgery and I'm not going to wake up. Or there will be complications and I'll not be able to over come them. Or who knows what else could happen. I'm doing the surgery so I can have a life. What if that backfires and the surgery takes my life. Is it worth the risk of dying to live? This really needs to pass. I know this surgery is the best thing for me. And I know its a huge step towards my new life and my freedom from everything that has held me back for so long. I know the surgery has come a long way since they started it. I know they will be monitoring everything while they are operating. I know they will take care of me. But I'm still scared. I don't want to die.