Friday, July 21, 2017
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
8 Months Post op
Ok i'm late.... very late, since next week will be 9 months out... my 8 month weight was 215.8, for a loss of 15.8 pounds for the month, my inches were low for the month thoguh, only 2.25 for the month, a total of 148.75 inches, and 139.2 pounds. Not a bad number at all for this far post op.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Weekly weigh in
Hey guys.
Today is weigh in day. I have finally gotten to a place where I'm doing ok with the food issues, for the most part. I have managed to get my fat intake to the point it is supposed to be. I guess its not impossible after all. Exercise has actually become a much bigger issue though. I'm pretty much unable to do anything that requires me to use my leg. My knee is shot completely. I had my MRI this week, but my doctor is out of town for the next week, so I can't see him until August 12. At that point I will find out exactly what I'm facing as far as surgery and recovery. I am starting to look at the possibility of maybe having to go with a different surgeon if it gets much worse, and I can't wait another week to get this taken care of. However that is an absolute last resort. I really like this doctor and trust him. My family has known him forever. I don't want anyone else doing surgery if I can avoid it at all.
I found out this week that my insurance won't pay for my gym anymore either. So, for now, I'm on my own completely. They told me at the gym that once I find out what is going on with my knee, I will probably be able to get insurance to start paying again. They said that if I do have to have surgery, that I can get back in for rehab and knee pain. But for now, I don't have my gym or my trainer anymore. So I'm going to have to get in any exercise I do, at home. Jerod told me the last time I saw him to do core exercises at home, and that will keep my upper body in shape, as well as substitute for cardio workout that I really can't do now. So far I've not done anything at home since I found out I lost the gym. I just can't seem to get into it, or motivated to do it, or whatever, I don't know. So my exercise went from 3 days of killer workouts at the gym with a trainer, plus lots of other exercises on my own, to nothing at all.
So now that I've got you up to date on whats going on, here are the results of my weigh in this week. I lost 1.25 inches this week, which isn't real good. But, since all my exercise has stopped, I can't complain. However, .75 inches I lost was in my right calf. That means it has to be muscle I'm losing. I'm not using that leg at all, so to lose that, would mean I lost quite a bit of muscle. Which brings me to my weight this week. I lost 9.2 pounds this week. Now, initially that number absolutely thrills me to death. That is an AWESOME number. The other side of that though, is a lot of that number is probably from loss of muscle as well. Since muscle weighs more then fat, losing muscle would make for a big weight loss number, which is not a good thing at all. I'd rather have no loss, then lose muscle. I worked too hard to get the muscle I have, and can't do anything right now to keep that muscle. So I'm going to lose it. Which completely sucks. So while I love the number, and the fact that I'm now 61 pounds from my goal weight, and only 21 pounds from my last big mark before my goal weight, I'm actually not real happy with it. But there is nothing I can do about it right now. I just hope when I get where I can work lower body again, I am able to pull some big fat loss, because I should gain that muscle back, and I don't know how I'll handle a weight gain, even if I do know its muscle.
Just another step in the journey. It certainly doesn't get boring. It certainly isn't easy either. However, the final goal is almost in sight. I'll get there, and then looking back at all the trials and detours will look much smaller. And the fact that I got to the goal, despite everything I have had to go through, will make it that much more meaningful. Until then, I just need to try to remember that and stay focused on that goal.
Today is weigh in day. I have finally gotten to a place where I'm doing ok with the food issues, for the most part. I have managed to get my fat intake to the point it is supposed to be. I guess its not impossible after all. Exercise has actually become a much bigger issue though. I'm pretty much unable to do anything that requires me to use my leg. My knee is shot completely. I had my MRI this week, but my doctor is out of town for the next week, so I can't see him until August 12. At that point I will find out exactly what I'm facing as far as surgery and recovery. I am starting to look at the possibility of maybe having to go with a different surgeon if it gets much worse, and I can't wait another week to get this taken care of. However that is an absolute last resort. I really like this doctor and trust him. My family has known him forever. I don't want anyone else doing surgery if I can avoid it at all.
I found out this week that my insurance won't pay for my gym anymore either. So, for now, I'm on my own completely. They told me at the gym that once I find out what is going on with my knee, I will probably be able to get insurance to start paying again. They said that if I do have to have surgery, that I can get back in for rehab and knee pain. But for now, I don't have my gym or my trainer anymore. So I'm going to have to get in any exercise I do, at home. Jerod told me the last time I saw him to do core exercises at home, and that will keep my upper body in shape, as well as substitute for cardio workout that I really can't do now. So far I've not done anything at home since I found out I lost the gym. I just can't seem to get into it, or motivated to do it, or whatever, I don't know. So my exercise went from 3 days of killer workouts at the gym with a trainer, plus lots of other exercises on my own, to nothing at all.
So now that I've got you up to date on whats going on, here are the results of my weigh in this week. I lost 1.25 inches this week, which isn't real good. But, since all my exercise has stopped, I can't complain. However, .75 inches I lost was in my right calf. That means it has to be muscle I'm losing. I'm not using that leg at all, so to lose that, would mean I lost quite a bit of muscle. Which brings me to my weight this week. I lost 9.2 pounds this week. Now, initially that number absolutely thrills me to death. That is an AWESOME number. The other side of that though, is a lot of that number is probably from loss of muscle as well. Since muscle weighs more then fat, losing muscle would make for a big weight loss number, which is not a good thing at all. I'd rather have no loss, then lose muscle. I worked too hard to get the muscle I have, and can't do anything right now to keep that muscle. So I'm going to lose it. Which completely sucks. So while I love the number, and the fact that I'm now 61 pounds from my goal weight, and only 21 pounds from my last big mark before my goal weight, I'm actually not real happy with it. But there is nothing I can do about it right now. I just hope when I get where I can work lower body again, I am able to pull some big fat loss, because I should gain that muscle back, and I don't know how I'll handle a weight gain, even if I do know its muscle.
Just another step in the journey. It certainly doesn't get boring. It certainly isn't easy either. However, the final goal is almost in sight. I'll get there, and then looking back at all the trials and detours will look much smaller. And the fact that I got to the goal, despite everything I have had to go through, will make it that much more meaningful. Until then, I just need to try to remember that and stay focused on that goal.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Lost
That's exactly how I feel. Lost. I'm so completely overwhelmed and confused and frustrated by everything right now. I am in pain constantly. It never goes away. It never even really gets any less painful. And everyday the minimum pain increases. I'm having trouble eating. I am staying hungry. But when I go to eat, I can't. I'm only eating 3 ounces a meal again, and I can't eat the whole three ounces now. I eat about half of it, and I'm full and feeling sick. My body can't possibly be getting enough nutrition. I'm sure part of that is due to the pain as well, when you hurt that bad, you just have no desire to eat. However I have to. I don't want to, but I'm forcing myself to eat something, for 3 meals a day. I am not sure what is going to happen with school. Where I had my complications after surgery and had to drop that quarter, it messed my schedule up. I now only have 2 classes I can possibly take, and I have to have BOTH of them before I can go any further. If I don't get both of this quarter, and one of them isn't due to be offered again yet, I'm going to have to take the quarter off, which will put me even further behind. And it will also cut into my payback time for my student loans. I am just very lost. I find myself sitting here wishing I could have my knee surgery tomorrow and get this over with, but then at the same time I'm scared. What if its not something the surgery can fix? What if it doesn't heal right? What if I can never fully use my knee again? I have so many things I want to do, and plan on doing, but I can barely even walk right now. I fully intended to do a marathon in April. I still do intend to. But I can't help but wonder and question if that is physically possible within a 7 months from knee surgery. Or for that matter, if it will ever be possible. I'm absolutely dying to go for a walk. To get out and do something. And I just can't. I physically can't. I am honestly getting to the point where I can barely walk up and down the stairs to my room. I don't know how I'm going to manage another month until we can get the surgery done, if its even something surgery can fix. I just can't explain the emotions I'm having. I have way too many to be able to even list. If you can name an emotion, I'm probably experiencing it right now. If I'm not, I will be in about 5 minutes. I'm just an emotional wreck. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't walk. I can't stop hurting. I can't concentrate. I can't focus. I can't... I just can't. I'm lost. Lost in pain.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
7 Months
Today is 7 months since I had my gastric bypass surgery. It has been a crazy ride. From days where I'm on the top of the world and can do anything, to days where I am struggling so hard I can't see any way to possibly continue with the journey, and everywhere in between. Yesterday was by far the worst day I've had since surgery. I was completely unable to see any way positive to continue this path. I had decided I was going to stop eating. I am having serious problems with my knee, which is making it extremely difficult for me to do a good workout. Which means I am not burning as many calories as I would like. And in my mind, I had to stop eating because I couldn't take in calories that I couldn't burn off. Because I was convinced if I ate calories I couldn't burn off, I would gain weight. And gaining weight is not an option. I can not and will not gain this weight back and go back to where I was. So I did my monthly anniversary weigh in today. I was very hesitant, even scared. I didn't want to see the number on the scale. I have to say I was shocked. Very shocked. I started at 355 pounds before surgery. 7 months later, I weigh 231.6 pounds. I have lost 123.4 pounds, and 146.5 inches.
My monthly losses to date are as follows:
Starting weight: 355
1 Month: 43 pounds, 13 inches
2 Months: 20 pounds, 38.25 inches
3 Months: 10 pounds, 8 inches
4 Months: 9.2 pounds, 32.5 inches
5 Months: 18.4 pounds, 21.5 inches
6 Months: 12.2 pounds, 13.5 inches
This Month: 10.6 pounds, 19.75 inches
My monthly losses to date are as follows:
Starting weight: 355
1 Month: 43 pounds, 13 inches
2 Months: 20 pounds, 38.25 inches
3 Months: 10 pounds, 8 inches
4 Months: 9.2 pounds, 32.5 inches
5 Months: 18.4 pounds, 21.5 inches
6 Months: 12.2 pounds, 13.5 inches
This Month: 10.6 pounds, 19.75 inches
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Impossible
Ok, so I tried to eat the way i'm supposed to according to the dietitian today. I failed miserably. My fat is over, my calories is wayyy under. My cholesterol is too high, and my protein is too low right now. Oh and carbs is low too. I just don't know how its possible to do what she said. And i tried to eat that much at supper, and i couldn't come close. I am beyond stressed and confused with this. I broke down crying at supper because i have tried so hard to eat more today and eat like she said i'm supposed to be, and i'm still not eating anything. plus i'm in major major pain. my knee is getting much worse everyday. if it continues to get worse at this rate, i won't be able to do anything at all by two weeks from now, if i make it that far i'll be very surprised. i went to school with mom today and started painting. will have to go one more time and that should get it finished. now, having said that. i did get a new pair skort today. a skirt with shorts under it. It was in the regular size womens clothes, which i can't remember the last time i could wear regular size clothes. this was a size 18 in regular sizes. which means i can now buy shirts and pants in the regular sizes. pretty amazing. however i can't help but feel that if i eat as much as they say i'm supposed to, i'm not going to be able to wear those sizes long, i'll gain weight back. plus with my knee and not being able to work out or exercise or really do anything. i basically get to sit here and eat and eat and eat and eat some more. hmmmm sounds an awful lot like what i was doing before surgery. and we all know where that got me. so i guess thats where i'm supposed to end up at again. *sighs* i fought like hell for 7 months to be forced to go back where i started. *cries* i am so damn confused and frustrated. i just wanna scream and cry.... and knock myself out so i can not hurt and maybe even sleep tonight. i haven't slept more then 3 hours the past 4 days. i can't keep going like this, i just can't. and i can't do a damn thing about it.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Overwhelmed
Hey guys. Today was a crazy day for me. I went to the orthopedic surgeon this morning to see what was going on with my knee. He thinks I've torn my meniscus in my right knee. The only way to fix that is with surgery, and there is nothing you can do to help it in the mean time. I'm scheduled for an MRI on August 5th. That was the soonest they could get me in. I see the doctor again on August 12, and more then likely I'll be scheduling surgery that day. Surgery will probably be the end of August when this quarter is over at school. Now, there are lots of problems with this. One, I'm not supposed to do anything that hurts my knee, no bending, no pressure, nothing, and stay off it as much as possible. Well EVERYTHING hurts my knee. It hurts sitting down, it hurts standing up, it hurts laying down, it hurts elevated, it hurts bent, it hurts straight. Putting pressure on it to drive (not a lot of pressure needed for that) was unbearable pain. Then you also have to remember that I have gotten used to going constantly and doing major lower body and cardio workouts. That's not even an option anymore. I did 26 minutes on the bike today at level one, only going 3.5 MPH. I was trying for 30 minutes but I was hurting so bad I simply couldn't go any longer. We did upper body strength training today. And I still left the gym crying because my knee was hurting so bad. I had to stop in the room with machines twice and take pressure off of it. The second time I leaned against the ab machine and just cried. It hurt so bad. I tried to go to school tonight, and I was in so much pain that I couldn't have possibly paid attention to class and actually gotten anything out of it, and I couldn't drive. I called mom and she met me and was going to drive me, and the pain was just to much. It is still throbbing. And shooting pain all the way from my foot to my hip. I don't know what I'm going to do. Apparently there is nothing I can do, but pray this next month passes fast and that surgery will take care of it. I don't want to have surgery at all, but I can't live in pain like this forever.
Now having said that. I am extremely stressed and overwhelmed with food issues right now too. I asked Jerod (pt) a few weeks ago how much I should be eating, as far as calories go. I started tracking them on www.livestrong.com and was noticing that I had a negative net calorie total just about everyday. So he told me I needed to eat more. I had a realllly hard time dealing with that, and decided to email the dietitian that we work with before surgery and find out how much of everything we are supposed to be getting in. She emailed me back today. The numbers she gave me are.... I can't explain it. She said I should be getting i 1200-1300 calories a day. Since I have increased amount I eat since talking to Jerod about it, I am having to work very hard to get 900 calories, most days I don't get close to that. She also said I'm only supposed to have 20g of fat a day. Now, I eat low fat everything, have been ever since surgery. I was at 36g today. I'm not sure if its even possible to get 1200 calories in and only 20g of fat. Any food that will give me any amount of calories, is going to have fat, even if it is reduced fat. And I'm supposed to have 100 grams of carbs a day. Again, carbs are going to have fat, and I swear they told us we were supposed to go very low carbs?? And then of course protein, I'm supposed to get between 60 and 70 grams of it a day. I just simply do not see how its possible to get all that in. She said the "quick and easy" way of figuring it out, is to use a 6 inch plate, divide it in thirds, and fill it with 2-3 ounces of protein, 1/4-1/2 cup of vegetables, and 2 tablespoons of starch/carbs, and eat that three times a day. Now... please keep in mind that my surgery gave me an approximately 3 ounce pouch for a stomach. If I eat by that guide, that's 3 ounces of protein, 4 ounces of vegetables, and at least an ounce of starch or carbs. That is 8 ounces. How am I supposed to eat 8 ounces at once, when my stomach only holds 3 ounces? I am so confused and stressed and overwhelmed by it all. I just don't see how it is even physically possible.
So, needless to say I'm struggling right now. ALOT. I'm on a major emotional rollercoaster. Thankfully my attitude is staying in a good place right now. I'd be a disaster waiting to happen if my attitude falls apart on me. Please feel free to post comments with encouragement and support. It is very much needed and appreciated all the time, but even more so right now.
Now having said that. I am extremely stressed and overwhelmed with food issues right now too. I asked Jerod (pt) a few weeks ago how much I should be eating, as far as calories go. I started tracking them on www.livestrong.com and was noticing that I had a negative net calorie total just about everyday. So he told me I needed to eat more. I had a realllly hard time dealing with that, and decided to email the dietitian that we work with before surgery and find out how much of everything we are supposed to be getting in. She emailed me back today. The numbers she gave me are.... I can't explain it. She said I should be getting i 1200-1300 calories a day. Since I have increased amount I eat since talking to Jerod about it, I am having to work very hard to get 900 calories, most days I don't get close to that. She also said I'm only supposed to have 20g of fat a day. Now, I eat low fat everything, have been ever since surgery. I was at 36g today. I'm not sure if its even possible to get 1200 calories in and only 20g of fat. Any food that will give me any amount of calories, is going to have fat, even if it is reduced fat. And I'm supposed to have 100 grams of carbs a day. Again, carbs are going to have fat, and I swear they told us we were supposed to go very low carbs?? And then of course protein, I'm supposed to get between 60 and 70 grams of it a day. I just simply do not see how its possible to get all that in. She said the "quick and easy" way of figuring it out, is to use a 6 inch plate, divide it in thirds, and fill it with 2-3 ounces of protein, 1/4-1/2 cup of vegetables, and 2 tablespoons of starch/carbs, and eat that three times a day. Now... please keep in mind that my surgery gave me an approximately 3 ounce pouch for a stomach. If I eat by that guide, that's 3 ounces of protein, 4 ounces of vegetables, and at least an ounce of starch or carbs. That is 8 ounces. How am I supposed to eat 8 ounces at once, when my stomach only holds 3 ounces? I am so confused and stressed and overwhelmed by it all. I just don't see how it is even physically possible.
So, needless to say I'm struggling right now. ALOT. I'm on a major emotional rollercoaster. Thankfully my attitude is staying in a good place right now. I'd be a disaster waiting to happen if my attitude falls apart on me. Please feel free to post comments with encouragement and support. It is very much needed and appreciated all the time, but even more so right now.
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