Mistake

**Notice this is a bad day for me. Post is rather depressing and has a bit of "poor me" to it. Don't read if that offends you.**



I never should have had this surgery. Yes losing the weight is wonderful, yes I am under 300 pounds for the first time I can remember, yes I have more energy and feel better physically. But it requires too much special care afterwards. I have to eat just the right things. I have to make sure I eat enough. I have to make sure I drink enough. I can't get in enough damn protein to save me. All the protein shakes and drinks and what ever make me sick. I have to measure everything, only to find out I still can't eat enough. I have to actually EAT. And I HATE eating now. I hate food. I have no desire to eat at all, but I have to. We never have anything in this house that I can eat. Oh I have some cheese. I don't even really like cheese anymore. Nothing tastes good. Nothing sounds good. And if by some miracle something did sound or taste good, I might be able to eat 5 or 6 bites before I'm full. My parents can still eat or not eat anytime they feel like it. And I can't do that. They get mad when I say I have to eat. I can't help it that I have to eat. I'd rather NOT eat. But I don't have that option anymore. Tonight dad doesn't feel good, so we aren't eating. I've not felt good many times over the past two months. I couldn't eat a lot of times, but that didn't stop them from wanting me to go eat with them. I get to sit there in a restaurant for an hour or two and watch them eat, pick at a few crumbs on a plate and act like i'm thrilled to death to be there. But when i have to eat and there is nothing here. thats just too bad. He doesn't want to eat so we aren't going to. This surgery has to potential to be an absolutely wonderful thing. But you have to have support and encouragement and help to get through all this. And i have none of it. I don't know who the hell i am anymore. i don't even know myself when i look in the mirror. i can't do anything like i knew how to do it before. i just feel like i'm all alone in a strange new world, and can't do anything to figure it out or learn or survive. i should have never had this stupid surgery. i may have been fat, but at least i would have been able to live. i'm not living now, i'm further from living then i ever have been.

Wow

I went to the gym again today, for my first REAL session. It was amazing. I can't believe I did what I did. I didn't think there was anyway I could do what she had me doing. I started out with 15 minutes on the treadmill, for a warm up. Then she told me we were just doing cardio today. So she had me do 15 minutes on the bicycle. I went between 14 and 15 mph the whole time. I had to stop once, but only for about 30 seconds, she didn't let me stop for long. I ended up doing 3.75 miles on the bike in 15 minutes! I couldn't do even a quarter of a mile on the bike last time I tried. So that was HUGE! Then she let me take about 2 minutes to breath and it was on to the next machine. I think it is called the stepmaster. I saw it when I went to look at they gym and thought it looked evil. Now I know it is evil. She wanted me to do 15 minutes on that too, but at a little less than 9 she had me get off, I was having trouble breathing and my heart rate was 219. She had me sit down for a minute and catch my breath and drink some water, and then had me get back on the bike for cool down. I did another mile while I was doing my cool down. It was a lot for my first real work out. And I was sweating like I've never sweat before. But I feel so good for having done it. I really didn't think I would be able to. It was amazing. I'm doing things I never thought possible. I can't wait to see how this turns out several months from now. I'm sure what I did today will look like nothing then. Anyway, it was an awesome experience, a great first work out, I am very proud of myself, and looking forward to Friday's workout.

Gym

Well I started at the gym yesterday. It wasn't too hard at all yesterday. I had to fill out all the paperwork and go through the initial evaluation. Figuring out BMI and percentage of fat in my body, getting starting weight, all that stuff. They took my blood pressure and checked my heart rate too. That's where we hit a small problem. My heart rate, resting, was 102. I was tachycardic.
They were hesitant to even have me do anything. But I told them I felt ok, so they had me do 15 minutes on the treadmill. He started it at 2 mph. I felt like I was crawling. He eventually put it up to 2.5 and then 3 mph. He then had me do an exercise where I just stand from sitting, I had to do 2 sets of 10 of those. Originally I thought that was a really stupid exercise and did nothing, but by the end, it was hurting quite a bit in my thighs. I go back tomorrow. I'm curious to see what we do then.

I get to go to the gym!!!

I'm so excited. I looked at gyms last week, and I found one I really liked. While I was talking to them I found out they have a program that is a weight loss program. And you get to work with a trainer three days a week and they make out a special plan customized for you, and my insurance will pay for it if I could get a doctors order. So I took the paper to get the order on the my doctors office Monday, and have been calling every day to find out if it was ready yet. So when I called today, they had filled it out and faxed it to the gym. So I called the gym to find out what I had to do from here. I go Monday to get my "evaluation" and probably do a little bit of a workout, turn in my insurance cards all that stuff. I get to go to the gym anytime I want to, not just when I have my appointments with the trainer. And my insurance will pay for it all. I am so excited. Just had to share.

This Weeks weigh in and measurements

I weighed today and did measurements. I haven't been doing measurements every week, but since i will be starting the gym soon, I decided to, so I could see the results of the gym. I am absolutely thrilled with my results. I feel great right now. I lost 5.4 pounds and 17 inches!!!! I can't wait till I get to start really working out and see what happens then!

Pound For Pound Challenge Widget

Surprised... and Frustrated

Well I measured today, because I'm going to see my counselor tomorrow and haven't seen her since a week after surgery, so I wanted to have current stats to give her. The last time I measured, I'd lost 13 inches total. As of today I've lost a total of 30.5 inches. I didn't think I'd lost that much, so that was a very nice surprise. Then it got to be supper time. I decided I'd have some chicken salad and fruit. So I measured the chicken salad and got what looked like a LOT, it was only an ounce, so I got two ounces of fruit, even though I knew I wouldn't be able to eat that much. So anyway I sat down to eat, a half hour after my last water, trying to do everything right so I could try to get more food in, since I can't ever eat enough. I could not eat even HALF of ONE OUNCE of chicken salad. Not even a half ounce!! I'm beyond frustrated. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm starting to think I just need to eat like all day. I also broke under 300 today. I was at 299 when I weighed!! Anyway. I just had to share.

Concerns

I have a problem. I had this surgery to give me a new life. The thing is, the surgery just helps me have that new life. I can't have a new life, if I don't make the effort and changes I have to. The surgery makes it where I don't eat as much, and therefore can lose weight if I try and do my part. The problem is, I have to change what I eat and how I eat, or the surgery won't work. Sure, I'll lose initially. I may lose a lot. But if I don't change, the loss won't last. I am eating less. I know that. I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat most of the time. However, I have to eat. I can't live if I don't eat. But I'm not measuring my food like I should be, so I have no idea how much I actually AM eating. I know its less then I used to eat, but that doesn't mean it's not more than I am supposed to be eating now. I'm not eating all the fat and grease I used to eat either. But I'm not eating the things I really need to be either. I eat protein, but not enough. I eat fruit. But I'm still eating some carbs too. And THAT is where my major concern comes in. My weight loss support group has a message board, that I get the posts in my email. So I was reading the email from the board today. Someone who is several years out of surgery, has gained her weight back. She start eating bread, chips, snack cakes, all that stuff that we all are used to eating before surgery. She would get stressed or upset, and would eat. And she didn't measure and didn't eat what she was supposed to, but instead fell back into the trap of eating what "tastes good". I don't want to go there. I am young, I have my whole life ahead of me still. I have a chance now to make that the best life anyone could ask for, and be healthy. But I have to do what it takes to make that happen. I felt like I was really trying. Like I've really changed. But the fact is, I really haven't. I'm doing the same crap I did for 28 years that got me to be as big as I was. I have to change it. I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to make the changes I have to, and that I will end up right back where I started. I can NOT let that happen. I simply can't. I have to change. The surgery leads to many success stories. It also can lead to stories that are not so successful. I want to be one of the success stories. I'm on my way, I've lost more then 50 pounds in less than 2 months. But if I don't change, and REALLY change, in every way, that will not last. I was at 300 the last time I weighed. I am probably under that by now. I will NOT go back above 300. I will not. It simply is not an option. I guess I'm just finally realizing the seriousness and everything that this surgery means and requires. Its hit that it is really time to change. I can change and give myself the life that I want, or I can continue the way I am, and continue to have the life I've always had. I'm concerned and nervous that I could end up right back where I was.

I think I'm finally well

It has been a long week. I got bronchitis last weekend. It was one of the worse cases of it I've ever had. I guess it was intensified because my immune system has been through a lot the last 2 months. I know I am ready to get healthy. On top of being sick, school has been about to kill me. I am so far behind. Every time I think I'm getting close to being caught up, my program either won't work, or they assign extra at school. I am getting a little closer finally. I'll be very happy when this quarter is over. Next quarter I'm not getting behind like this. It's so much easier to do good work when you get to do it as it is assigned. My weight loss has been slow this month too. I lost 40 pounds the first month after surgery. So far this month I have only lost 12. One week I actually gained 2 pounds. I got to 302, was excited because that meant I should have broke 300 by the next week. The next week when I weighed, I was at 304. That was tough. I know there will be periods where my loss will be small and slow, but gaining was hard. I think I'm breaking through that slow period now. I weighed today, 7 weeks after surgery. I was at 300.0. It was a wonderful site, but a bitter one as well, because that means I am SOOOO close to breaking 300, my first weight loss goal, but still not there. Hopefully by next week I will have made my goal. I need to start getting some exercise in, I know that will help speed up the weight loss, plus I'm starting to get flabby skin on my arms and legs. I need to start toning before it gets way out of hand. And my hips are driving me crazy. I'm getting smaller everywhere except my hips. I have got to do something to get them smaller. I unfortunately am unable to get to a gym right now. So I don't know how to go about doing that. If anyone has suggestions on exercises I can start doing to firm up and lose the hips, that don't require a gym, please let me know. I have lost 52 pounds since surgery, which is great, but I still have a long way to go. I am ready to start really living my new life. And can't wait to see what will develop as I go.