New Year, New Life

WOW. I am loving my new life. I can't wait to start doing things. And I am sooo going stir crazy. I'm going to drive my mom crazy asking to go somewhere. LOL. So yeah... yesterday was my week anniversary post op. I did my weigh in yesterday morning. When I started my pre op liquid diet, I was at 352. I was down to 342 when I had my surgery. When I weighed yesterday I was at.... 330. I've lost 22 pounds in 17 days. 12 of those in the last WEEK. I can not begin to explain how I felt when I saw those numbers. I honestly cried. A good cry, but I cried. I have had so many nerves and fears and emotions working up to the big day. And yesterday, they were all pushed away. I had done it. It had started to work already. I am on my way. I was on top of the world. I had very little pain yesterday. I told mom I was going to be in a marathon. Yesterday I sure would have tried. I had a small scare with meds yesterday. I had problems getting everything because of insurance approval and whatever. So I FINALLY got them all yesterday. And of course since I can't swallow pills, we had to crush them. I swallowed them in a little bit of protein drink, and started choking. I don't know if I had swallowed wrong or what. But I was choking bad. I was scared. I HURT. I just KNEW I had messed something up coughing and stuff like I was. It was horrible. Everyone that was there when it happened was scared. I am very glad to say that within a couple hours the pain had pretty much gone away. And everything appears to be fine.

Now today... has been very mixed emotions. I've felt wonderful. I have no pain. I was able to lay completely flat last night. And I even was able to lay on BOTH sides without it really even hurting. It was great. I slept soo good because I was able to be comfortable. However, there has been a bit of sadness and depression today. Up till now, I've not wanted to eat. I've not cared about food. Nothing sounded good or looked good. I was perfectly fine with popsicles and decaff tea and water and other liquids. Today on the other hand. I want FOOD. I don't want chocolate or junk food or anything like that. But I want food so bad and I can't have it. Its New Years Eve. My parents and friends are having all kinds of stuff to bring in the new year, and all I can have is freaking liquids. It is tough. I knew this side was coming. But it hit hard today, maybe tomorrow will be easier, I don't know. But today has been very tough. Oh well. I just have to look past this to what I know is coming. Knowing in the end that I will be able to eat, and it will all be worth it. I'm not just starting a new year. I'm starting a whole new life. I can't wait to see what 2009 and the next 60 years have to offer me. I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year full of happiness and excitement. See you all next year.

I'm bacckkkkkk

Hey everyone. I'm back... and better then ever. Well close anyway. Today has been one of my roughest days since surgery. But yesterday was wonderful. I was up and moving around, I went outside at sat on the porch swing for probably a half hour or 45 minutes. I went to the grocery store last night. I rode the electric cart because I'm not up to walking that much yet, but I was out. I was really scared this morning because when I woke up I was hurting really bad. I was about to panic. I have a drain in my stomach, and over night last night it filled more then it had the last two days, plus I was hurting. I just knew I'd messed something up or over done it or something. It was very scary. I must admit though. It has been much easier so far post op then I was thinking it would be. I ran into some minor speed bumps in the hospital. Surgery went really well. I came through with no problems. But then, my heart beat sped up, and my oxygen level dropped. I had to get two units of blood on Christmas eve. That really bothered me. I was just sure something was major wrong. I talked to Pat, one of the women who works with the surgeons and the hospital. She is absolutely wonderful. She talked me through the blood thing, so I was able to feel better about it. She also went to holding with me the morning of surgery. She stayed with me until I went into the operating room, and made me feel very relaxed and comfortable. She also called me on Christmas day to check on me and wish me a Merry Christmas, and called me at home yesterday. Christmas day I had another small setback, my heart rate was still not where it needed to be, and I was still anemic. I had to get another unit of blood. And was told I wouldn't be able to go home that day, like I originally was going to. Dr Hodge came in later, and told me I could still possibly go home after I got the blood if my blood work checked out ok. So I got my blood and got my blood work and.... I was cleared to go!!! I went and walked up and down the hall in the hospital, and then got dressed I was going home!!! When we got everything packed up and got out to the car, turned it on, and the radio was playing.... playing "I'll be home for Christmas." I thought I was gonna cry. It was so cool. My pain level has been very little since really the day after surgery. The nurses were telling me to take pain medicine because I wasn't taking it enough, but I really didn't hurt that bad. Today on the other hand, I've hurt really bad. I've still got up and down, I went outside again. I really kind of wanted to just sit around today. But I fought through it and kept going. I know I have to in order to get better. I'm going to have bad days. But I can already see the life I will have when I get through this. I can't wait to be able to start doing things without hurting. When I get to that point. Watch out world!!! There will be no stopping me. I can't wait to see what all my new life brings me. And I'm well on my way. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers you all have sent my way. I'm glad to be back.

Too BIG???

Hey. Just a quick post. I just want to share what happened today. I got a sweatshirt jacket for Christmas (yes, Christmas, we celebrated early because I get out of the hospital on Christmas day and won't feel like doing much of anything). So I went to put it on and go outside this afternoon, and.... it was TOO BIG!! Its the size I've worn for several years now. But it was quite a bit too big, and since I will be losing a lot real quick, I wanted it to be borderline tight right now. So I went and exchanged it. I actually had to drop down 2 sizes to get the fit I wanted. And it still wasn't all that tight. It was an absolutely awesome moment when I realized I finally had something TOO BIG. As far as surgery goes, tomorrow I have to do the bowl prep. (what fun....) Mom and dad both have appointments tomorrow to start the whole process towards having surgery themselves. So we're going to Johnson City tomorrow morning. We are going to get a motel room and up there, since I have to be at the hospital at 5 Tuesday morning. So no post tomorrow, but I have to say, I think I finally found the peace I've needed to find to go into this. I'm not worried, I'm not scared, I'm really not even nervous right now. I'm just really excited. It is finally here. The next time you all hear from me, I will be post op and my journey will truly have begun. I can't wait to share it with you. Keep me and my family in your prayers Tuesday. I'll see you all on the other side. I've got to go get stuff together and get packed.

So close

Hey guys. I am feeling sooo anxious right now. It will be here so soon. I guess technically I'm on day 9 now. Which means, my surgery is in two days. I have known it was almost here. But it is really sinking it now. I got a post on the surgery message board from one of the ladies that works with the office. Signed, see you Tuesday. As much as I knew it was here, that just hit me so hard. I'm 2 days away from the start of my new life. I can't wait. I want it here so bad. Talk about a great Christmas present. I'm getting a new chance at life. Will definitely make for a Christmas I will never forget.

Choices

I think I'm almost numb. I've had soo many extremely powerful emotions and feelings that I think my body and mind are simply overwhelmed. I have so much going on inside right now, and I can't even begin to figure out what they are. I just sit here. Wanting to say whats going on in my head, and I almost can't even feel it enough to be able to. I know that I am incredibly anxious. I'm 4 days away from surgery that will completely change my entire life, forever. Oh my God... I'm 4 days away. What the hell am i doing. My life will never be the same again. Do I really want to do this? Am I ready for this? I mean, I know my life will be better because of it... but... 4 days and life as I've always known it is over. I'm nervous and scared. What if... what if something does happen, what if something goes wrong either in surgery or post op. What if my body rejects the changes and I have to have it reversed. What if it simply doesn't work. What if I do all this for nothing. What if I die. Who will take care of mom and dad. I'm all they have left. What if they put me to sleep and I can't wake up. What if I have trouble with the anesthesia like mom did that time. What if I don't do this surgery and end up having heart problems which are so common in my family but would be intensified because of my weight and still end up dying. What if I became diabetic and couldn't eat for that reason. What if I developed all the risks that are so high for me anyway, because of family history and weight makes them more common for anyone. I have a much smaller chance of dying in surgery, with doctors right there and people watching to make sure I'm ok, then I really do if I don't have the surgery. I weigh 341 pounds and I'm 28 years old. My body can't possibly be in good shape with all that weight. I've already had trouble with my ankles and knees. I've had chest pain. And I already can't breath when I sleep. Do I really have any choice but to have the surgery. I am basically a time bomb waiting to explode if I don't do something to change. Yes its a complete life changing surgery. But, is that not what I need. I need to change my life before my body can't handle anymore and its too late. I can go to surgery in 4 days and be given a new chance at life. Or I can not go, continue on the path I'm on now, and wonder when my life will be taken away because I didn't take care of me and do what I needed to to live. So basically I can choose to go through with the surgery, that everything is ready and waiting for me, and live, or cancel it and wait to die. Wow I guess there really isn't a choice there. I have to do this surgery. I have to. I fought soo hard to get free from the psychological prison I was holding myself in. The lies I had convinced myself were true. The self hate. The desire to die. The lack of hope. I got through all that. So I could finally experience life. Happiness. Hope. Dreams. I have all that. I finally have a chance to really live, but my health could keep me from that. If I have this surgery. WHEN I have this surgery, there will be NOTHING that can stop me. I can sit here and feel sorry for myself and whine and bitch about how hard it is, or I can remember that nothing in life that is worth having comes easy. And I can fight like hell and get through this, I'm almost there now anyway. And then I watch as my new life begins and I can finally truly live and enjoy life. All the sudden, the past couple weeks doesn't seem so bad. A very small price to pay for the benefits I will gain.

Good to go

I had my preop testing and everything is good to go. The paperwork is all done. I just have to show up at 5:00 Tuesday morning. Things have been really tough the last several days. For those of you who follow this, I'm sorry I've not posted. I've not felt like doing much of anything. I have gone from wanting to eat everything, to not wanting to eat at all. From very excited, to very depressed. From surgery can't get here soon enough, to I'm going to call and cancel surgery. I can't even begin to put words on the things that have been going through my head. This has got to be the hardest thing I've done in my life... and I'm sure its only going to get harder. I've decided if it was just mental, it would be ok. If it was just physical, it would be ok. But it is very much both, and the combination is horrible. I'm sure the end results will be worth it, and that's what I'm keeping my eyes on. Thankfully I'm within site of the surgery now. In 5 days my whole life will change forever. I just can't even really comprehend the whole thing. It can be very overwhelming. I just ask anyone who is reading this to keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. It will be hard on all of us. See you all tomorrow. Steph

I LOVE popsicles!!

Ok... I admit, I really didn't think this liquid stage would be too bad. I knew it would be hard. But I was sure it wouldn't be too bad at least the first day. I was WRONG. I woke up went and got some powerade. Took my time drinking it, and thought this is not going to be that bad. Then it got a little later. I wanted food. So I got an Atkins shake we had. I made that last a while too. It helped some, but I still wanted food. I wanted, needed, to have something I could chew. I can have cottage cheese and popsicles, but of course, when I went to the store, I didn't get either of those. I went to the store. I got both of those, and a lot of other stuff. I even got yogurt which I have never liked. But it may taste good now because it has some consistency. But I have to say. I now have a new found love for popsicles. They have never tasted so good, or been so satisfying. I swear it was the best tasting thing I have ever had.... since yesterday anyway. No, it really did taste wonderful, and it actually took care of that feeling of needing food since I could actually take a bite of it. I don't feel hungry now either. I don't feel deprived. I was convinced I would never survive. Now I'll be ok. Just don't get between me and my popsicles!

Now the fun part....

Today is my last day of regular food. I start liquids to prep for surgery tomorrow. Today is about over, and I have to admit, it has been a lot easier then I was expecting. I was dreading today. I was preparing myself for the... "Oh crap, I'm never going to be able to eat some things again, I've got to eat everything I ever wanted or liked or craved TODAY." I really didn't get that way at all. In fact, I was eating a corn dog at lunch, and they have always been something I really like. I looked at it, and I was just like... I'm really not even going to miss this. These last few days have been terrible. I've hit every emotion possible, and hit them all at least a dozen times. I was scared to death for a few days. I was questioning the whole thing. I just wanted to sit and cry. This surgery that I was all worked about, that I just KNOW is going to change my life forever, I was convinced was going to be the end of me. I was going to die in surgery. Thankfully, that has passed, at least for the most part. I'm still a little scared, but I think a little bit is ok. It is after all major surgery. I'm back to being excited again. When I went for my final appointment with the surgeon they told me I needed to go to one more support group before surgery. Well that happened to be tonight. It was great. To see all those people who had the surgery already, and LIVED to tell about it, and also lost so much weight. To be able to look at a conference room full of people and say, "My name is Stephanie, and I start the pre-op liquid diet tomorrow, my surgery date is December 23." was absolutely amazing. To look at the list of upcoming support groups for 2009 and know that the next one I attend, I will be saying I'm 3 weeks post op and I've lost ____ pounds and ____ inches already. To know that I am in 10 days going to be on my way to one of the success stories that have given me hope through this process. One of the people who will be able to encourage the others. To know that next Christmas, I will be one of the ones who can say I've lost 100 pounds, and gained a whole new life. I'm ready. I know that the emotions aren't over, and in fact are probably really just beginning. I know I'm going to hurt for a while. I know its going to be hard to sit, or stand, or walk, or sleep for a while. But I also know, that period isn't going to last long. I am willing to hurt for a month, or two.... to gain 50 years or more of quality life. It's a small sacrifice, with a HUGE reward. A sacrifice I am ready and looking forward to making. I may need someone to remind me I said all this in a few days. I've heard the first 3 days or so of liquids are the worst. So... let the fun begin. Hey it gets better right.... I get to eat BABY FOOD in a month!! I'm off for now...

I don't want to die!!

These emotions are gonna drive me crazy. I will be so glad when what I'm feeling lasts more then 5 minutes. A new one has surfaced though. I'm scared now. Life has been really hard for me for a long time. I've fought with not wanting to live many times. That part has passed. Now I don't want to NOT live. My life has finally started to make some sense, its finally headed in a positive direction. I don't want to die. I am having major surgery in 12 days. Major surgery that will change my life. But it is still major surgery. And with any surgery, there are risks. The bigger the surgery, the more risks. I haven't been scared at all, through the process so far. Now all the sudden I'm beyond scared. I'm just sitting here crying. And I really don't even know why. I mean, sure I'm scared, but this surgery is a good thing, right? It's going to make my life better, it's going to give me a life. Why am I crying about that? Being scared is even kind of expected isn't it? Who am I trying to fool. I'm scared to death. For so long I was scared to live. Now I'm terrified of dying. I'm not scared of death. I'm just... I'm not ready to die. I want to experience life and enjoy it. I'm finally able to appreciate life, I'm not ready for it to end. I know the doctor does this all the time. I know he knows what he is doing. I know if its my time to go, its not going to matter if I'm in surgery or anywhere else. I know all that. I do. But I'm still scared. I... I don't even know what to say. I'm just sitting here staring at the screen like I'm frozen in time. I'm so tired I can barely hold my eyes open. These emotions changing every 5 minutes can really wear you down. I need to go to bed, but I don't want to. What if I don't make it through surgery. That means I only have 12 days left to live. That's what...288 hours. If that's all I have left in life, I don't want to waste it sleeping. If I don't make it through surgery, I'll never get to start my own family. I'll never be able to have a career. I'll never get to do everything I want to do. What about my family? What would they do if I was gone. They need me. My friends need me. I can't die yet. I just can't. I'm not ready. And I'm scared to death they are going to put me to sleep for surgery and I'm not going to wake up. Or there will be complications and I'll not be able to over come them. Or who knows what else could happen. I'm doing the surgery so I can have a life. What if that backfires and the surgery takes my life. Is it worth the risk of dying to live? This really needs to pass. I know this surgery is the best thing for me. And I know its a huge step towards my new life and my freedom from everything that has held me back for so long. I know the surgery has come a long way since they started it. I know they will be monitoring everything while they are operating. I know they will take care of me. But I'm still scared. I don't want to die.

Emotions Overload

Wow. I'm now 2 days away from starting the 10 day pre-op liquid diet. I think I have felt more emotions in the past 24-48 hours then I have my whole life up until this point. I have felt everything from excited and anxious to nervous and angry. I'm excited because it's getting so close. I am anxious because I know this is going to give me a whole new chance in life. I am nervous because it is a big surgery, and it does have its risks. I'm angry because I hear people talking about food and holiday plans and know that my Christmas dinner is going to be an ounce of chicken broth, and maybe an ounce of sugar free pudding, but that is probably more then I'll be able to eat. I went to the grocery store today and saw all this stuff that looked good, and I can't have it anymore. I'm very on edge. I tend to get frustrated very easily lately. I have heard all along that this surgery is very much a mental thing as well. I wasn't really experiencing that until the last few days. Now I very much see that aspect of things. I guess above all though, the two feelings I have the most, are excited and anxious. I have been overweight my whole life. I've been imprisoned by food for 28 years. I've tried diet after diet after diet, never with any success. Now, I'm sitting here, 13 days away from the surgery that will allow me to have a life I never thought possible. A life where people will look at me, and see Stephanie, not an overweight person and automatically assume all the stereotypes that being overweight place on you. A life where I can do anything I want to do, and the only thing that can stop me, is ME. For 15 years I battled a major battle with depression. I have finally broken free of that prison. Now I am being given the chance at freedom from the other thing holding me back in life, my weight. I can't wait to see how it feels to be able to walk through the store without getting out of breath. I have told my family for a few months now, that I can't wait for the day I can walk into any regular store and pick up a pair of pants and have them fit, or be to big (which seems impossible right now). I will try to keep this blog current. Please feel free to comment and let me know you are on my side. I'm sure I am going to need all the encouragement and support I can get. I appreciate all of you. See you tomorrow.

The first step

This is the first step in a very long journey I am beginning. A Journey that will give me a new self, a new life, and a new freedom.