Today was great!

Ok today was great. I talked to the gym, I hopefully will be able to get started soon. I can't wait till I can start working out and get the inches off. I only ate twice today, BUT I was able to eat my 3 ounces. I am feeling great. Yesterday morning was just really emotional, but then this entire thing is VERY emotional. Its sooo much more mental then I ever thought possible. I was told it was, but I didn't believe it could be that bad. It is. I got some homework knocked out today. Feels great to mark them off my list. I weighed today. I'm down to 305. I will hit a major mile stone. We are going to church tomorrow and I was trying on clothes and so many were too big. It felt wonderful. I just am in a great mood today. I feel like I could tackle the world right now and win!! See you all tomorrow!

Doing Better Tonight

Hey guys. I'm doing better tonight. I'm doing better about not stressing so much about food. I may not be able to get it in at once, but I can still get it all in. I've already had 32 ounces of water today, my most so far. I made it through the whole class at school tonight. I'm trying to just relax and tackle it all as another challenge to conquer. I will get through it and be stronger in the end. This is just more ways that I am realizing how mental this whole process is. That's ok though, I love the challenge and the work it takes and how it makes me feel when I can accomplish them. I do love life. I love everything about it. It just gets frustrating at times.

Whats wrong with me???

Hi guys. I'm having a REALLY hard time right now. I am having trouble eating even an ounce of food. I fixed an egg with some cheese this morning and was gonna have a banana with it to get my 3 ounce meal. I couldn't even eat half the egg and cheese which is 2 ounces... didn't even touch the banana. I feel full but I'm not getting anywhere enough food in. I can't get enough fluids in either. I drink maybe 20 ounces a day and I'm supposed to be getting 64. If I can't get this stuff in I'm gonna get sick and possibly even die. I am sitting here crying right now because I hate myself. I feel like I am holding myself back. The worse part is, there is really nothing I can do about it. But I am 5 weeks outta surgery. I should be able to eat 3 ounce meals without any major problem. I know I had complications and that probably set me back a little. But my opening is the size its supposed to be now, so it shouldn't be a problem anymore. I am just so discouraged and frustrated and getting scared. I don't wanna die, and I'm afraid I'm gonna kill myself from not eating. I just needed to vent. I need support right now. Its all just very hard to process mentally. I'll post more later. Hopefully I'll be in a better mood then.

I'm FREE!!!

I had to go today to get my opening into my stomach stretched the rest of the way. That went really well. They used real anesthesia so I didn't know anything. Of course that's made me tired all day, but that is ok. After I woke up and left there, I had an appointment to get my drain outta my stomach. I was beyond ready for that thing to get out. It was hurting all the time, it was making me sick, and it made it hell to move at all. So I got to the doctors office and after a nurse practitioner, a nurse, a doctor, and 2 phone calls to other doctors.... they finally figured out how to get the thing out. My first one didn't hurt at all coming out. This thing did. It hurt. It took my breath away. And it made me sick instantly. But.... its gone now. For the first time since surgery I am free from all tubes and wires. I feel soo much better already. I can move easier. I haven't been sick all day. I am hoping I'll start feeling like eating more now, because I've not been getting in nearly enough food. Yes I'm worrying about eating more.... what a change. Just another way I am seeing everything in my life change. Now I get to work on getting to the gym. Need to get some inches off to go with the pounds I'm losing. Building up some strength wouldn't hurt any either. And in any free time I have.... I get to do homework.... I am 14 assignments behind right now.

I'm back!!!!

Hey guys! Man have I missed you all. As most of you know I ended up in the hospital for a while... 20 days to be exact. I had my surgery on December 23. I was doing great. Then all the sudden at about a week and a half I started getting sick with everything I ate. I couldn't even keep down water at that point. I knew something was wrong!! I had my mom call Dr Hodges office and Dr Watson was on call and said to get to the ER. Now I must point out that at this point I was also in a LOT of pain. I mean, screaming in pain. I live in Morristown. I had to get to Johnson City to the ER (about an hour and a half to two hours away), as obviously doctors here would have NO clue what to do with a gastric bypass patient. It felt like it took 3 days to get to the hospital. I barely remember checking in. The next thing I remember to any extent was about 2 and a half weeks later, and that was just waking up and not feeling good. What a thing to remember huh?? Apparently I was making phone calls during that time and don't even remember them. That could be really dangerous!! Anyway, during that time, a lot happened. They found out I had an abscess between my left lung and my stomach. I don't know how it got there, or why it got there. But it was there. And it was full of infection. My white blood count was 20,000. I had to get another jp drain to take care of that. All I really remember about that was they said they were putting this thing in my lung, and I was panicking thinking, they're going to poke a hole in my lung and I'm going to die. It ended up not being my lung, and needless to say I didn't die!! Then we found out I had pneumonia. That one didn't require any special actions, but just another thing to have to deal with. Now notice, we still haven't figured out why I couldn't keep anything down. They had to put me on TPN. (I don't remember what it stands for Total Something Nutrition) Now, TPN is an IV nutrition, but it can't go in a regular IV or it destroys your veins. Soo I had to get a pick line. Now, remember I'm still not real alert. So when they tell me about this thing, all I could think was, Oh God, now I have to get an IV line directly into my heart and I'm going to die again. I had a fear of dying can you tell?? That process was painless though, it was actually very nice, because I no longer had to get a new IV everyday, and they could draw my blood, which was happening at least once a day, through the pick line as well. So it was actually very nice to have. So now I'm getting nutrition, but I still can't keep anything down. They did the scope thing where they put the light down, and we found that my opening in to my pouch was 3mm, it is supposed to be 15mm. To give you an idea on sizes, my pouch is supposed to be a little smaller than a life saver, and was the size of an IV line. Soo we had to stretch that out, but they could only get it to 12mm, and it will shrink some, so I go tomorrow to have it stretched again to the full size. And after that I go to Dr Hodges office and get my SECOND jp drain out. I'm soo ready to be free of tubes and tape. Anyway, its been a very long, hard road. I was very sick. I know at one point there was talk of having to reverse my surgery. Thank GOD we didn't have to resort to that.

Now on the positive side of all this. Friday was my one month post op date. I got to weigh at HOME!!! I got out of the hospital Thursday and got home late that evening. When I weighed, I was at 312, I start at 352, so 40 pounds in a month. And I measured and I have lost a total of 13 inches. I would like to have more inches gone, but under the circumstances, I am THRILLED. I am still weak, but I feel like a completely different person already. I look forward to everyday of life. I can't wait to see the new adventures life is going to bring me. I'm absolutely DYING to get to the gym and start being able to work out. I'm still not able to because of this drain. When I go to the doctor tomorrow to get it out I'll be finding out when I can safely start doing exercises and how much I should be doing. I'm walking some now, but I want to do REAL exercise.

I also got to move on to the next food stage, so I can now do soft and pureed foods. I can eat cheeses, cottage cheese, fruit (which i LOVE) meats if they do strings like chicken or beef. It has to be low fat and sugar free, but its still real food!! I ate two whole chicken nuggets worth today!! That's my most so far!

Life is great. I have changed so much already. I love life. I live more. I cherish every moment. I'm waiting for the moment I fall in love, I know it will come and I will have a family some day. I love myself now, so I will truly be able to love others now. I now have hope and dreams for myself and KNOW that I will reach them.

School is going great. I ended up not having to drop (or being dropped) from any of my classes. I have lots of homework to do, but my teachers are being great. They are both working with me, giving me as much time as I need and letting me make up everything. I should be able to pull at least B's in all of them, maybe even A's. I am a little more than a year from graduation with my engineering degree. I've wanted it for so long, and its finally within site. I just have so much ahead of me and I can't wait to live it and experience it. I may have a couple job opportunities coming up too. Both with government agencies. Can't beat that for a first real job while still in college.

I promise to do my best to keep up to date posting and keeping you all up to date...

Love,
Stephanie